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The 5 Manners of Valentine’s Day Everyone Should Know
By: Maralee McKee, The Etiquette School of America People seem to have either one of two thoughts about Valentine’s Day. Some see it as the most romantic, glorious day of affection, gifts, and expressions of love of the year. Others view it as a day they wish they could sleep through so they didn’t have to look at even one gushing, bouquet-carrying, heart-shaped-chocolate-eating, drunk-on-love person. I’ve been on both sides of the Valentine’s Day love fest, and on both sides feelings are deep and emotions are high. There’s a problem with the way we celebrate Valentine’s Day. It should never hurt, because it should never be an either-or day. Valentine’s Day should be a day when no one feels left out. That’s because everyone is loved by someone, and that someone (or lots of someones) should express it. The day would be sweeter if there were less stress about gifts, dinners, and flowers. It wouldContinue Reading
5 Simple, Savvy, Sincere Ways to Show Your Love
By: Maralee McKee, The Etiquette School of America You’ve probably heard the much quoted joke about the couple that’s been married for decades. TheContinue Reading
Links to Love from Around the Web- Valentine’s Edition!
By: Maralee McKee, The Etiquette of America Here’s a collection of links to love from around the web. You’ll find Valetine’s Day centered postsContinue Reading
5 Tips for Getting Your Child to Say Thank You at Christmas and Always
Getting our children to say thank you and actually mean it isn’t easy, but it’s more than possible! Here are the five most important tipsContinue Reading
The 5 Manners of Opening Christmas Gifts and The #1 Don’t
Often times all eyes are on us when we open our Christmas gifts, and it can be nerve-wracking! Here you’ll find the 5 mannersContinue Reading
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By: Maralee McKee, The Etiquette School of America
Here are ten manners for hosts and guests on Christmas Day. When put into practice, if you’re having a great Christmas, they’ll help you insure that others do, too! And if you’re disappointed enough that you’re about to let your inner Scrooge take over, they’ll pull you back from the edge!
The Top 10 Manners for Hosts and Guests on Christmas Day
Let’s first look at the five manners that apply the most to hosts, because when you agree to have the Christmas festivities at your home, you’re doing more than saying, “Come on over and join our Christmas.” This is your guests’ Christmas, too. You’re committing to putting in the effort to find out what’s going to make their Christmas memorable and doing your best to make it happen. And no, you don’t need to put aside all your Christmas traditions for your guests. You add some of their traditions to yours and come up with a new Christmas melody for the day!
Manners For the Host and Hostess With the Mostest
1. Ask and tell when you invite. When you invite someone for Christmas (in-laws, other family members, or friends), do so in person or by phone, so you can learn about their Christmas traditions and share about your own. Remember, just because they’re coming to your house doesn’t mean it’s your way or the highway.
Here’s how a conversation might go between a hostess and her guest, Carla, who is coming with her husband, their three kids ages five to eight, and their new baby. I purposely gave you different scenarios of things you might want to mention. Not all will apply, but the scripting might help you word things that apply to you that aren’t included below. (The words in italics are those of the hostess.)
A. “…the children will be excited to open their gifts, so I thought I’d have bagels and doughnuts out while we open the presents. Then we can eat the breakfast casserole and other things around 8:30 AM after they’ve had time to play a little. (Carla would reply with her thoughts.)
B. I love how you said that you hand out all the gifts first, and then go around the room with everyone opening one at a time. We’ve not done that before; it sounds great to me! (Carla and the hostess would talk about opening gifts.)
C. Since you mentioned the other day that the baby takes her longest nap at around 1 PM, what if we eat lunch then? (The hostess and Carla discuss lunch.)
D. One thing we’ve always done is have everyone tell the best thing that has happened to them this year at the table. If that’s good with you, we’ll do it. (Here, the hostess has shared one of the traditions that’s important to her, after having incorporated Carla’s gift-opening tradition into the day.)
E. Also, I know my parents get tired easily. While they’re reading and resting after lunch, I’m going to plan some fun, quiet things to do with the kids. Do they like games or crafts better? (The hostess is alerting Carla that her parents are going to need some down time, but she hasn’t said, “So keep your kids quiet.” Instead, she’s thinking ahead as to how to keep them happily occupied. So Carla now knows to help out during this time to keep them involved in the fun, quiet activities the hostess is going to provide.)
F. Also, I’m going to have some movies ready. What’s your favorite Christmas movie? And is there a favorite movie that your children like that you want to bring? Or is there something they haven’t seen that I can stream for them?” (Here, the hostess is planning something entertaining for everyone that goes beyond conversation, and she’s getting her guest’s input. As you’ll see below, conversation will be provided for, since it’s one of the best parts of Christmas, but it’s nice to have something on hand that will distract Uncle Phil in the conversation when he’s about to start on his tirade about — well — whatever his tirade de jour is.)
2. The host(ess) sets the tone in the home. If the hostess isn’t happy, no one is happy. This is Christmas. Put effort into the day: plan, organize, decorate, use your best china or your prettiest paper plates.
Plan in depth.
And have a backup plan.
And if nothing goes according to plan, don’t sweat it.
Tension is tangible.
Your guests will feel it, and everyone is going to be uncomfortable. If you’re not willing to laugh about it, and make sandwiches as a substitute for your entree if your fancy rib roast burns or your soufflé falls, don’t make those items.
Forget perfection. Perfection isn’t possible. It’s an illusion. A mirage. A lie. It’s always going to taunt you from about 10 inches from your grasp. ALWAYS.
Instead of perfection, focus on graciousness.
People won’t remember your menu in six months. They won’t remember what color scheme your table was, what place-card holders you used, or what you wore.
They will never forget how you made them feel. They’ll remember the feel of your home.
If you’re going to be miserable if someone (child or adult) breaks one of your good plates, don’t use them. Sure, you’re going to be upset if little Tyler broke the plate because he was trying to spin it like a toy top, but you can’t let it ruin your or your guests’ Christmas.
There are risks associated with being a host, and one of them is that things might get broken. Rise above the shards!
Share the best of yourself.
3. It’s okay to ask for some help. These are your guests, and while they’re not your kitchen staff or maid service, most people like to lend a hand. They’re going to feel bad watching you work nonstop, so plan ahead and do all you can beforehand to minimize your Christmas Day duties.
This is your Christmas, too.
Ask for help with anything the moment you feel tension coming on: entertaining the children, picking up the Christmas wrapping paper from the floor, sorting presents, stirring gravy, pouring drinks, clearing the table. Ask and you shall receive, especially on Christmas!
4. During the main meal, if there’s more than one table, the host and hostess should sit at separate tables. No one wants to feel like they’re at the adult version of the kids’ table. That’s why it’s nice if the host and hostess sit at different tables when there’s more than one adult table.
If there are more than two adult tables, the host and hostess excuse themselves about halfway through the entree and go and check on the other guests for a few minutes.
It’s nice if during dessert you trade seats with someone and eat at a different table. Arrange this before the meal, so the host and/or hostess can also sit with those guests. That way, everyone probably has had a chance to sit at a table with the host or hostess. (The children are going to finish a lot faster than the grown-ups. Have coloring pages available at their table or games or crafts planned for them to do while the adults finish eating.)
5. Have a gift for everyone who is attending. Since presents will be opened, everyone needs something to unwrap. (Before all eyes are on you and you open your gift, this post, one of the most popular on the blog, shares the 7 Manners of Opening Every Gift.)
Even for the cousins’ new boyfriends and girlfriends, the host(ess) should give each of them a small gift, even though from experience you know they go through relationships so fast that you’ll probably never see these friends again.
Grace Note: Spread the Christmas festivities out through your house so that there are different areas where guests can go to do the things you’ve preplanned, or they can relax and do nothing at all.
There might be a crafts-and-games area for the kids in one of the bedrooms along with a TV and movie to watch later. (Plan in advance who will help the children.)
There might be a movie or game on the family-room TV. And in the living room, you might want to add extra chairs from the dining room after lunch or dinner for those who want to relax, listen to Christmas music, and talk. In each room, have enough coasters for everyone, and a plate of sweet or savory snacks for munching.
There’s No Place Like Home on Christmas
I love to travel, but on Christmas Day there’s no place I want to be but in my own home with my husband and children opening gifts under our tree, and eating our traditional menu off our own Christmas plates.
Both Kent and I come from small families, so every Christmas has been a quiet gathering. I wonder how I’ll feel about splitting my time at different homes when my boys grow up, get married, and — yikes, say it’s not possible — perhaps move from our hometown of Orlando (the fifth generation born and raised).
You see, I like being the Captain of the good ship Christmas Day. I’m going to have to put in effort to practice what I preach when it comes to being a great Christmas guest, because it’s not going to come naturally.
When we accept an invitation to join someone on Christmas Day, we lay down our right to be Captain of the ship. Instead, we’re an oarsman. There’s an unspoken social contract that says we’ll help make Christmas lovely for the other guests by being the best version of ourselves and by being alert to any pressure points of the host, hostess, or the other guests, and graciously stepping in to help relieve them before they feel overwhelmed.
How can we possibly do that?
Here are five of the best ways!
Manners for The Guest Everyone Loves to Invite Back
1. Ask what you can bring, but don’t limit it to food. What the hostess might need more than food is your four folding chairs, for everyone to bring a bathing suit and towel (Can you tell I’m a Florida native?!), some board games, or an extra frying pan, or another kitchen item. Let her know you’re happy to bring anything she needs.
2. Be careful about sharing how Christmas is at your house. If the conversation turns to favorite Christmas memories or family traditions, share yours, of course. However, if in the middle of the activity you say, “We’re just the opposite. We open our gifts after our Christmas morning service at church, not before,” your innocent sharing could be interperted by the hostess as a criticism of how she’s planned the day.
People are more sensitive than most of us think they are. It’s kind of like when others near you are whispering. Even though you don’t know the people, you feel like they’re whispering about you. That same principle applies here — just in a slightly different form.
3. If you know/think you aren’t going to be able to take a full day, set your departure time with the hostess when you set your arrival time. You know your limits, you know your spouse’s limits, you know your children’s limits. If everyone was expecting you to stay all day and into the evening and you leave at 3 PM, it’s going to send up the distress flag. Instead, if you think that five hours is all so-and-so is going to be able to take, say something to the hostess when you accept her invitation. “We’ll be there at 8 AM sharp, Gwen. However, we’re driving to my mom’s house the next morning, and I’m going to have some cooking and packing to do. We will probably leave about 4:00 PM.” (It’s considered eating-and-running for you to stay less than one hour after the meal is finished.)
If you’re all having a great time and end up staying longer, that’s OK! But, this way, you can leave, and no one’s feelings will be hurt.
4. Be on the lookout for pressure points, and jump in to help at the first sign. If Grandpa (even though he’s not your grandpa) looks sleepy, tell him it’s OK to rest and alert the hostess. If the kids start to get rowdy, and they’re not yours, go over and play with them. If the hostess is going crazy in the kitchen, offer specific help: “Rebecca, I see you’re peeling potatoes. Did you know that I’m a Grand Champion potato peeler? Can I practice my skills?”
Anytime you can inject a little humor into the situation, you earn another jewel in your Heavenly crown! If you overhear Larry and Ty getting heated talking about religion, politics, or anything else, go over and even though you’re a new guest and don’t really know them, start a conversation, “I’m without anyone to talk to at the moment. May I join you? I was wondering…?” That’s worth two jewels in your crown!
If the party seems to be lagging, it’s a great time to take out your smartphone and start taking photos. It gets everyone smiling faster than anything!
5. Bring a gift and goodies to the host family. You don’t need to bring a gift for people outside the immediate host family whom you don’t know. You do need to bring a gift for the host, hostess, and their children. It can be something for the whole family, or one thing for the adults and one for their children (if the children are close in age), or individual gifts for each. In addition to the gift, bring along a food goodie, too. It can be handmade or store-bought: cookies, chocolates, nuts, cake, and such. Make sure it’s something their whole family will enjoy. And as you hand it to the hostess, let her know that she doesn’t need to serve it today. For more about what to give a hostess, check out How to Choose and Give the Perfect Hostess Gift.
Grace Note: This is for sure one of the times when a handwritten thank you note delivered via snail mail is in order. It’s nice to call the next day to thank the hostess for inviting you. Also sending a handwritten thank you card is a gracious gesture. You don’t need to send one to relatives or to friends who are as close as relatives. However, you certainly can, if you want. And I bet the hosts, would appreciate it!
Make sure to send your note as soon after Christmas day as possible. The next day is best. Why the next day?
The longer you delay, the more it gets pushed down on your to-do list, and either it will never get written, or it will come long enough after Christmas that it seems like an afterthought instead of an authentic expression of your gratitude. You can find out more about Christmas thank you notes in this post.
Handling Things Well
Christmas comes but once a year, and you can be sure you can manage anything the people you share the day with bring your way by keeping these ten manners at the top of your mind.
Manners aren’t fancy or limiting. They’re from the ancient Latin word for “hand.” They show us how best to handle ourselves, and there’s no better time to handle ourselves well than at Christmas. In fact, as Oscar Wilde said, “The only real gift is a portion of oneself.”
What’s Next?
Keep doing what only you can do, bless the world by being authentically you at your best!
Wishing you a healthy and joyful Chrismas,
Continue Reading
Christmas card manners help you send out your Season’s Greetings with all the warmth and good wishes you want them to have. From what to write under the printed message to how to sign the card and address the envelope, it all adds up to sending meaningful cards that make days merry and bright!
By: Maralee McKee, The Etiquette School of America
When it comes to Christmas card manners:
What are the pros and cons of sending printed cards versus email cards?
When is it OK to remove someone from your card list?
How can you best sign your cards?
Is it correct to use address labels and name stamps?
Let’s Open Our Box of Christmas Cards and Get Started!
A Special Note About Sending Christmas Cards in 2020
There’s not been a better year in recent history to send Christmas and holiday cards than in 2020! At the store, pick up an extra box of cards and a couple of red, gold, or silver pens!
People have been isolated and apart from one another, and lots of folks won’t be gathering with family and loved ones this holiday season due to travel restrictions. Your card might be just the thing to let them know they haven’t been forgotten. And according to this New York Times article, a lot of people are taking time this holiday to share their glad tidings. Christmas card sales are booming!
This year, send a card to anyone and everyone you can think of you haven’t seen due to COVID-19: neighbors, coworkers (due to working remotely), friends, people in the social and civic organizations you belong to, your child’s teacher, and anyone else. Hand them out to baristas, the Amazon delivery driver, the dog catcher…you get the point!
As an extra act of kindness, you can partner with a local nursing home and send cards to each of their residents.
Each card you give is a physical reminder of your good wishes for the recipient’s holiday, so be generous with giving cards this year.
And yes, it’s OK if your card is humorous if that’s your style! It’s been a “unique” year, and a unique holiday card to match it is perfectly fine! Sometimes, you might as well acknowledge the elephant in the room!
The pros and cons of sending printed cards versus email cards?
1. If your only relationship with someone is a digital one, then an email card is fine. If the recipient is family or a flesh-and-blood friend, then a standard card is going to be the best choice.
2. More than 80% of all correspondence is now electronic, so it makes sense that we would want to express our Christmas wishes by the same means we express ourselves year-round. That’s why email cards are so popular.
3. The drawback of an email card is its brief lifespan. It has just about as much impact on the recipient as do the countless jokes, political musings, spam for weight-loss miracles, and get-rich-quick scams.
You don’t want your holiday card staying in that same inbox! Plus, the recipients are likely to give it less than ten seconds of their time before pressing the delete key. It’s unlikely that anyone else in the family will ever know about the card, let alone see or read it.
4. For social-networking friends and others, email cards make sense. They also make sense for those serving in the military or living overseas when standard cards might be delayed in the mail or close to impossible to arrive at all.
5. Money is tight for businesses and families alike. If you want to send Christmas wishes but can’t due to budget constraints, don’t hesitate to send electronic cards. Just be understanding if they end up unread in your friends’ junk mail folders.
6. The benefits of a card sent through standard mail are its longevity and its personal impact. Mailed cards usually cause a little excitement or at least curiosity when they arrive. In my house, cards are opened before any other mail! Corbett, my youngest son, will come running with all the mail in his left hand and the card in his right hand as he excitedly shouts, “Mom, we got a card! We got a card! Can I open it! Can I open it, please!”
7. Once cards sent through snail mail are opened, they’re usually left on the kitchen counter, hung from the fireplace mantel, or placed in some other special spot in the house for everyone in the family to see, read, and enjoy, prolonging the cards’ impact and the good wishes you sent them with. The recipients will appreciate your Christmas card manners.
When is it OK to remove someone from your Christmas card list?
There’s a lot of misunderstanding about the etiquette of sending Christmas cards. Because of it, most people send more cards than they need to.
It’s fine to send a card to anyone. However, cards were invented to send your greetings and best wishes to people you won’t see in person this holiday season.
There’s no need to send them to neighbors or friends at school, work, or church whom you’re going to see between now and January 1. They’ll all know your good wishes because you can tell them in person when you stop to say hello in the halls or over the back fence.
There’s no rudeness inherent in dropping someone from your card list, especially if you’re sending standard cards instead of email cards. Money is hard to come by this year, so if you’ve been thinking about trimming names off your list, this will be a good time. Christmas card manners allow it.
When deciding whom to cut, keep in mind these tips:
If you’ve sent a card for the last two years and haven’t received one in return, you’re fine to stop sending.
If you want to cut your card list down a lot but are afraid people might tell you that they didn’t get a card from you this year and ask you whether everything is OK, let them know you cut your list by half. That way, they won’t feel like they were one of just a few people you chose to leave out.
Keep sending cards to older persons. Often, they’re lonely, and your cards mean the most to them. Keep in mind they might not reciprocate because they can’t afford to or because it might be difficult for them to address, sign, and mail the cards. I’ve had ministers tell me that some older persons in their churches who don’t have family receive no gifts other few, if any, cards. So make sure to add an extra special note to the one you send them, and maybe send along some photos, too. There’s a good chance they’re not on social media.
Grace Note: Sometimes, there’s someone on your list who has suffered a loss this year. Perhaps it’s been a death in the family, a major illness, the loss of a job or home (or both), a divorce, a wayward teen or young adult, or one of a million other difficult things. Here’s a Quick Tip post to help you know what to say and do: Should You Send a Christmas Card to Someone Suffering a Loss this Year?
Do I need to send a Christmas card to everyone who sends one to me?
Christmas cards don’t require you to acknowledge receipt, and a card isn’t required in return. Still, our good Christmas card manners mean we’ll mention the card the next time we’re in contact with the sender. “Your card was lovely, Jan. Thanks for sending it!”
There’s no rudeness inherent in dropping someone from your card list, especially if you’re sending standard cards instead of email cards. Money is hard to come by this year, so if you’ve been thinking about trimming names off your list, this will be a good time. Christmas card manners allow it.
When deciding whom to cut, keep in mind these tips:
How should you sign your Christmas cards?
The etiquette for signing holiday cards is different from other cards in that they’re the only type of card where one member of the family can sign for all the others. Usually, Dad’s name is listed first, followed by Mom’s and then all the children from oldest to youngest.
Kent, Maralee, Marc, and Corbett McKee
If you’re certain the recipient knows your last name, you don’t need to include it.
Once children are married or living on their own, after they’ve graduated from college and/or have a job and place of their own, their names are not included on your cards. It’s time for them to send their own!
In the case of blended families, the parents’/step-parents’ names are listed on the first line, and the children’s names on the second.
If some of the children have different last names than the others, you can include all their last names or leave them all off.
Here are two examples of how the same family could sign their names:
James and Callie Snyder (You can include your last name or leave it off.)
Beth, Timothy, and Leah Johnson (The children’s last name is included since it’s not Snyder, but all the children share the same name.)
Another option:
James and Callie Snyder
Beth, Timothy, and Leah (This time the children’s last name isn’t included because two of the children’s last names are Snyder and one’s last name is Johnson. The children’s names have been listed by age from oldest to youngest.)
Should you sign the name of someone who died this year on your Christmas card?
Life is too often too short. I receive several letters each year from parents asking whether they should include the name of their child who died during the year. I also receive emails from wives wanting to know whether they should also sign the card for their late husband. It breaks my heart.
When I was 27, my first husband died of cancer 12 weeks before Christmas. I sent cards that year partly to keep my sanity. I had to keep busy 18 hours a day because I wasn’t yet able to fall asleep. I sent A LOT of cards that year.
It physically hurt to simply sign each card “Maralee.” Half of my life was missing. And I felt the reality close in on me more and more with every card I sealed closed. As hard as it was, I did it mostly because I knew my late husband wanted me to continue living. In fact, he had made me promise. I was trying very hard to keep that promise that first Christmas without him, and the next, and the next.
If I had included his name, it would have caused confusion. (Social media was a few years away when he died.) People in other states who heard he died could have thought they heard incorrectly. For those who were closest to us and had been at his funeral and with me afterwards, I would have turned a Christmas card into a stark reminder of loss.
No one ever has to send Christmas cards. If it’s a sad time in your life and you feel like skipping them, please, please, please do. And if writing them makes you feel better, then by all means send them.
One option: you can sign the card with your name(s) and then under your name(s), write, “and in remembrance of Chuck.”
Is it OK to use address labels or name stamps on Christmas card envelopes?
Cards sent with address labels or name stamps have all the warmth of a mass mailing from a hardware store! The labels and stamps are convenient, but they score a failing grade in being personable. Unless they match the card in some way to add to the beauty of it, or if writing is difficult for you due to health reasons, it’s best to handwrite your return address on the envelope.
Should you sign your Christmas cards by hand?
You’ll want to hand-sign all of your cards. By doing so, you’re putting your personal touch on the card!
In addition, you’ll want to write a personal note of a sentence or two on each card, because people really want to know what you have to say more than they care about what the Hallmark employee who wrote the text of the card thought up.
If you special-order cards with your name(s) imprinted on them, you’ll be signing only your own name below the note you write on the card to identify that you wrote it. Because the names of your family members are imprinted above, there’s no need to hand-sign their names.
How do you sign photo cards?
Photo cards are great! The only drawback is that they leave little if any space to write. Try to order cards with a plain back, or at least a little blank space somewhere on the card, so you have space to write a personal note and sign your name(s). Or include an additional piece of paper with a personal note in the envelope with the photo card.
What is the etiquette of including Round-robin or personal letters with your Christmas cards?
Round-robin letters are the ones people type up on their computer, print out, and insert into each Christmas card they send. It’s OK to do this, but with people keeping up with one another daily via social media, the letters aren’t sent as much as they once were.
If you want to send one, it will be best received by your friends if you make sure it’s not either a brag fest or a woe-is-me fest. If you went on three vacations this year, tell about your favorite one. If you had three surgeries, tell about the one health issue that is causing you the most concern.
You might love reading the details of someone else’s every highlight and low moment of the past year, but you’re not everyone, and your recipients might not find it as interesting. Just something to keep in mind as you pen your personal post!
Try to keep them to one page, double spaced, size 12 or 14 font, and add in two or three photos. Then you’ll probably be sharing the right amount of details of your life for your general audience. Some people will have a special interest in various parts of your life: job, children, travel, and such. For those people, handwrite the extra details they’ll love reading on the page or on an additional piece of paper to send in your Christmas card. Usually, a three- or four-sentence paragraph for each member of the household is plenty. Make sure the last paragraph focuses on your readers. Here’s where you’ll write your wishes for their holiday and the New Year. You always end on a high note when you end by wishing others well!
How should you insert your Christmas cards into the envelopes?
Place your card in the envelope facing the back of the envelope so that, when opening it from the back, the recipient will see the pretty front of the card first. The fold of the card (if there is one) should be at the top of the envelope (near where the envelope is sealed) with the open edge of the card at the bottom of the envelope.
When should Christmas cards be mailed? Is it too late to send my Christmas cards?
You want your card to arrive sometime between December 1 and Christmas Eve. However, the Christmas season doesn’t officially end until after the 12 Days of Christmas (like in the song!). The 12 days begin on Christmas Day and end the evening of January 5. That’s when Three Kings Day or Epiphany is celebrated. If you’re unfamiliar with The 12 Days of Christmas and Epiphany, the history is fascinating. This article on Christmas.com gives a quick and fascinating rundown of what each of the 12 Days celebrate or memorialize.
So you actually have until January 5 for your Christmas cards to arrive.
When should New Year’s Cards Arrive?
If you’re running late and you don’t want your Christmas cards to arrive after December 25, or you don’t celebrate Christmas, then sending New Year’s cards is always a special touch. New Year’s cards can arrive any time between December 26 and the end of the second week of January.
Why sending Christmas cards is coming back in style in a big way
In our increasingly techno-based world, people are appreciating the small but real thrill of receiving a hand-addressed and signed card in their mailbox. Because of this, sending Christmas cards is back in style in a big way after almost becoming extinct.
Christmas card manners let you enjoy putting pen to paper (card!) and pouring a little love into each one as you write your message and seal it closed.
If you think about it, you’ll come to realize that our DNA is on the cards we send. It’s almost as if, when I open the cards I’ve received, I can feel which ones were sent in a hurried rush to mark “send out Christmas cards” off someone’s to-do list and which ones were sent in the true spirit of the Season.
So decide to make sending your cards something you’re going to look forward to instead of something you feel that you “have to do.” Pour your favorite beverage, get comfy, settle in, and decide to savor your time as you write your cards. Then you’ll truly be spreading your Christmas cheer to those you hold dear!
What’s Next?
Here are some other very popular Christmas posts you might want to check out to keep yourself shining as bright and lovely as the lights on the Christmas trees. You’ll be confident, gracious, and at your best during this special Season!
How to Choose and Give the Perfect Hostess Gift
What Never to Ask at a Christmas…or Any Party
The 7 Manners of Opening Every Gift
Until next time, do what you were born to do — bless the world by being authentically you at your best!
Blessings galore,
Continue Reading
By: Maralee McKee, The Etiquette School of America
Should you send a Christmas card to someone suffering a loss this year?
Absolutely! In fact, sending a Christmas card is a great way to help lift the spirit of someone who has suffered any type of loss this year. Your card lets the person know you haven’t forgotten which shows you care about them and their loss.
How to pick the best card for someone who suffered a loss this year
While sending a Christmas or New Year card is fantastic, you probably don’t want to send a card from the boxed set you’re sending to others on your list. Wishing the person who has suffered a loss “A Very Merry Christmas” or “The Happiest New Year Ever” makes light of their major loss or setback. Here we’re talking about things like a life-altering illness, the death of a spouse, child, or any close family member, an unwanted divorce, the loss of their job, or their home, etc.
Handpick the card you’ll send. And make sure to add a personal note letting the person know you realize this is a difficult Holiday Season for them and that you’re thinking of and praying for them.
If there has been a death in someone’s family should you mention it in the Christmas card you send to them?
If you’re sending a card to someone who has suffered the death of a family member this year, you should mention it in the note you write at the bottom of your holiday card. And while you might be hesitant to bring up such an immense loss in a card that’s meant to bring the recipient joy, not mentioning it is overlooking their grief.
If someone has passed away, you could write something like “…I know the loss of John makes this a difficult Christmas to celebrate. I miss him so much! Please know that I’m remembering both of you. And I’m thinking (or praying) for you as you navigate this first holiday season without him.”
In the above example, you’ve accomplished three things that are important to someone suffering the loss of a loved one:
- You acknowledged that the recipient is grieving.
- You’ve remembered their loved one. No one is gone until they are forgotten. By mentioning their loved one by name, you help keep the person alive in spirit.
- You let the person know you’re thinking (or praying) for them.
Grace note: If the person (or family) who suffered the loss lives nearby, and you’re able, invite them to join you in a low-key outing that will focus on friendship more than the holiday.
Should you mention losses other than deaths in the Christmas card you send to someone?
Outside of mentioning the death of a close family member, the etiquette of mentioning othering losses in a Christmas card isn’t so cut and dry. You need to use your best discretion. Say for instance that someone lost their job this year, you might not want to mention it, but then again, depending on the person, you could. What you might want to do instead is to mention in general terms that it’s been a difficult year and that they are always in your thoughts (or prayers).
If you would like to help in any way, perhaps babysitting while they send out cover letters and resumes or attend interviews, offer to do so in your note. Also, if you can get together either virtually or in-person do so because your company will be a welcome distraction for the person!
Please note: This is a Quick Tip post. For more about signing and sending cards, check out this post. It’s your complete guide to Christmas Card Manners.
Always all my best,
Not every Thanksgiving gathering is as perfect as depicted in a Norman Rockwell illustration. The day can get “real” really fast. These seven Thanksgiving manners will help you handle the day with ease and graciousness whether you’re the guest or host. Most of the tips below work whether you’re celebrating in person or virtually this year.
By: Maralee McKee, The Etiquette School of America
Thanksgiving Day is a time set aside to gather together in gratitude and reverence for our blessings and to enjoy a portion of those blessings with a feast of food shared in fellowship among our friends and family.
It’s a sacred day (one set apart for a specific purpose) and one looked forward to and then remembered long after the day has passed.
That’s what it’s meant to be. And it would be every time in a Hallmark movie, a Norman Rockwell painting, or a perfect world.
But maybe, just maybe, at your house that’s not how it is.
Between the cleaning, the cooking, the children running wild with excitement, the extra people in your home, the fact that you have to spend the day with the extended family member who pushes your buttons on purpose, the Pinterest pins you tried to follow but your table doesn’t look anything like the pictures, and the fact that while you’re working hard in the kitchen, everyone else is relaxing in the family room looking at sales flyers or watching parades and football on TV, you feel like calling off the holiday.
You’re not proud of your feelings, but honestly, you’re not feeling too grateful right now.
Or maybe you’re the guest, not the host. And truth be told, you’d rather be at home. You don’t know these people because you’re a new friend or in-law. Or you’ve been part of the family for long enough that you know what’s coming, and what’s coming isn’t festive or anything to be grateful for.
Besides, you do things differently at your home. And yes, you know there’s no ONE “right” way to do Thanksgiving. Still, you wish things were more like they are at your house.
You’re not proud of your feelings, but you’re feeling more “Let’s get this over with!” than grateful right about now. You’re ready to set your Thanksgiving manners aside.
If you’re like me, on various Thanksgivings, you’ve been that host and that guest. And you’ve felt more than one of those feelings.
The Good News About Thanksgiving and Feelings
The good news is that our feelings can change.
You see, our feelings come from our thoughts.
What we first think we then feel.
Change your thinking, and your feelings will follow right behind.
Say you’re feeling a heaping helping of “I just want all these people to go home.” Try consciously changing your thoughts to something like “Our family is full of some interesting folks, but I’m glad they are who they are, or my children wouldn’t be who they are.” Your feelings will change from dread to acceptance to maybe even a little gratitude.
Similarly, your thoughts could be these: “This is the worst Thanksgiving ever. Tofu turkey! Are you kidding? Why didn’t someone tell me the hosts were vegans? I would have declined the invitation.” You could try these thoughts instead: “This is a first for me. A vegan Thanksgiving! These green beans aren’t half-bad.” Your feelings then will change from “What the heck!” to “This is a Thanksgiving I’ll always remember!” And you will have done it all simply by deciding to flip through your thoughts and find the best ones for the situation.
Remember, change your thoughts, and your feelings follow. They have to. They’re birthed there.
Thanksgiving Manners —The Top 7 Tips for a Great Gathering
The list below could just as easily be “The 70 Manners of Thanksgiving.” There’s so much I want to share with you. But that would bore you, so I pared it down to seven. A perfect number! Keep these seven in mind, and people won’t have to change their thoughts about you, because whether you’re the host or guest, you’ll be making it a feel-good Thanksgiving for everyone! (Grace or a prayer is often offered on Thanksgiving prior to eating. Whether you’re the host or guest, check out this popular post to be prepared for your part of saying grace: How to Say Grace Amazingly Well This Thanksgiving & Anytime.)
Especially for Guests
1. When you’re invited, ask what you can bring. Thanksgiving dinners aren’t like most dinners where the guests don’t bring anything but their appetite. This is a feast, so your host might appreciate the help. As you ask, offer some suggestions of what you’re comfortable bringing. A lot of hosts don’t want to ask you to do something out of your comfort zone, especially if they don’t know you well enough to know what your kitchen skills are, so they simply won’t ask. Try saying something like this: “You’re kind to include me in your Thanksgiving! What may I bring? I’m open for anything; however, I do make a sweet potato casserole and pumpkin cheesecake bars that everyone seems to enjoy a lot.”
2. If the host doesn’t want you to bring anything, don’t come empty-handed. Bringing a hostess gift of non-food, beverage, or flowers is perfectly acceptable in Thanksgiving manners. (More about this in an upcoming post.) Here are a few ideas to get you started. Try getting something that’s used when entertaining: coasters, place cards (for another holiday), tea or guest towels, or a Christmas decoration since it’s only about a month away. Pier One Imports, Pottery Barn, Crate & Barrel, Ross and Marshall’s are all great places to find hostess gifts.
3. “Sing for your supper.” In other words, be a great guest. Introduce yourself to everyone you don’t know. Start conversations by sharing how you know the host. Offer to refill drinks, ask to help in the kitchen while the hostess is cooking and after dinner while she’s cleaning up. Entertain the kids. Find a quiet/shy person in the room and try striking up a conversation. Pay attention to the oldest folks and make them feel like the treasures they are. Remember, though, that there are a few topics to avoid at every gathering, including this one.
4. If you meet someone and discover you strongly disagree on issues of politics, religion, or any other subject, don’t let yourself be dragged into a debate. Today isn’t the day for it. Bite your tongue or excuse yourself if you have to. You don’t have to pretend you agree, but change the subject. Try this: “I enjoy talking politics, but today I’m focusing on getting to know everyone’s stories. What’s your best Thanksgiving memory from childhood?”
Especially for Hosts:
5. You don’t get extra points for being a martyr. If you’re getting overwhelmed or frustrated by a lack of help, ask for some. If there are family members (spouse, older children, or blood relatives) in the other room, let them know nicely that you need their assistance. It’s also fine to ask guests to help. In fact, it gives them something to do, and they get to spend time with you.
Thanksgiving is a communal meal. (Remember the Pilgrims and Indians all stepping in to help.) It’s not meant to be a one-woman or one-man show.
The fact is that “When the host ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” The success of this event revolves mostly around YOU. If you’re stressed trying to do too much, or feeling taken advantage of, you’re not happy. You might pretend, but unless you’re as good of an actress as Meryl Streep, people are going to spot your act in a moment, and they’ll feel awkward at least and maybe even awful.
Drop perfection.
Drop thoughts of perfection.
Perfection doesn’t exist.
And as far as the TV shows you see on the Food Network, remember, that’s not a one-person job. A TEAM of people worked for weeks on one 30-minute show. Those shows are for entertainment, not replication.
Three months from now, no one will be able to name your whole menu or recall your elaborate centerpiece. They will remember how you made them feel. Don’t get so caught up in the details of Thanksgiving that you forget the spirit of the day.
6. Make everyone feel included. (That’s what matters most to people.) If you’re busy in the kitchen, assign someone else the job of making guests feel welcome, give them pointers, and tell them beforehand how important their job is.
7. Use place cards.
About place cards: No, it’s not just because they’re pretty. Use them so that people don’t have to think about where to sit. It shows you’ve already prepared a special place at your table for them.
They also allow you to place your guests next to people you think they’ll most enjoy talking to and keep guests apart who don’t see eye-to-eye.
Usually husbands and wives aren’t seated next to each other. They talk to each other during every other dinner (we hope!). It’s time for them to have some different conversations. The whole table doesn’t need to talk about the same subject. Simultaneous conversations are fine. One conversation with ten or more people is hard.
If you notice a conversation getting heated, jump in and change the subject: “Brian and Dana, I’m sorry to interrupt you both. But before I forget, I wanted you to know that you have something in common. You both moved here because of your jobs.”
SCORE!
Now they’re going to start talking about their careers, and you kept a fight about health care reform from spoiling everyone’s appetites.
If you notice a conversation going nowhere, jump in there, too. Get them started. “Elisha and Beth! It seems I remember you both read everything Max Lucado writes. What do you think has been his best new book of the last two years?”
SCORE!
They’ll be talking Max for the next twenty minutes until they realize they both also like This is Us. Your work here is done!
Savvy Thanksgiving Bonus Tips
If you think you’re going to have leftovers, plan in advance, and buy paper/plastic plates or containers so that everyone can make up their own plate of food to eat later. Thanksgiving leftovers are a treat!
If you’re a guest who brought food to the meal, and you leave early, you can take your container, but leave all (or at least most of) the extra food with the host in case someone wants seconds, or thirds. If you don’t leave early, offer to leave the food you brought. If they say to take it, that’s fine. If they keep it, that’s fine, too.
As the host, don’t be a clean-up martyr. A hostess belongs with her guests, not in the kitchen. Clear the table, stack the dishes, put away anything that might spoil, but leave the clean-up until everyone has gone home if you’re not going to let people help you clean up after dinner.
Of course, by the time everyone leaves, you’re going to be exhausted, so let the dishes go until tomorrow, and then have family members help you.
Honestly, be with your guests. You couldn’t be with them while things needed to be cooked, but cleaning CAN wait. You’ll treasure time spent with your guests. In the morning, your spouse and older children can help you clean up.
Most of all, before you rush out the door to take advantage of holiday sales, take in the best sight of the holidays: the people around the table. The ones you’ve been put here on Earth to do life with, if not forever, then at least for this Thanksgiving.
Love on them. Forgive them if they’ve wronged you. Let them know they’re special to you, and you’re glad you’re with them. The love you give will be returned to you in a thousand different ways over the coming year. Love is the key that unlocks the blessings of Heaven. And if your loving pond is especially dry this year, that’s a sure sign that you’re to love everyone there all the more.
Shower others with kindnesses and your pond will soon overflow.
Next Steps
Despite everything that 2020 has thrown at all of us, may you enjoy a blessed and happy memory-making Thanksgiving! And, may gratitude for what you have and expectations for a bright future fill you with joy!
Hugs and blessings,
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Business & Technology
What to Do Right Now Instead of Shaking Hands
By: Maralee McKee Most of us learned to shake hands when we were children, and we’ve been doing it ever since. Now, twenty, thirty, or more years later, it’s second nature to us. Shaking hands is a deeply rooted social custom in the U.S. and most of the Western world, and until a few months ago, it was considered good manners 101. There’s a New Alternative to Shaking Hands That Allows for Social Distancing Now, amid a pandemic, it’s anything but polite to extend your hand. In a matter of months, shaking hands has turned from a gesture of goodwill to one of lack of consideration for the health and safety of others. Yet for many of us, our right hand, almost instinctively, extends toward the other person. The good news is that there’s something to replace the goodwill, respect, and kindness expressed with a handshake! This new action also uses our right hand. YetContinue Reading
When to Stand and Why
By: Maralee McKee With the changing roles of women in the workplace, and workplace etiquette becoming more the norm in social situations (especially inContinue Reading
Opening and Holding the Door for Others – The Top 5 Manners
By: Maralee McKee There’s more to opening and holding the door for others than turning the knob or holding it for the next person.Continue Reading
10 Outdated Etiquette Rules You No Longer Want to Use
By: Maralee McKee Using outdated etiquette rules can make us seem stuffy and out-of-sync with the expected norms of today. Here are ten old-schoolContinue Reading
Social Skills & Special Occasions
When to Stand and Why
By: Maralee McKee With the changing roles of women in the workplace, and workplace etiquette becoming more the norm in social situations (especially in the US), this area of etiquette has undergone almost a total revision from what it was 25 or 30 years ago. If you haven’t checked out the etiquette of when to stand and why since you were taught it by your mom or grandmother, you’ll want to incorporate these modern manners into your everyday encounters so that your interactions are in sync with today’s best practices. The manners are easy to learn. And with these skills at hand, you’ll be able to rise to the occasion (literally and figuratively!) to interact with ease and graciousness as you greet and interact with colleagues, new friends and old, and family members! Here’s What We’ll Discover! What are best practices for when a man should stand? Should a woman stand to greet a man?Continue Reading
By: Maralee McKee
Using outdated etiquette rules can make us seem stuffy and out-of-sync with the expected norms of today. Here are ten old-school etiquette rules you’ll want to retire so that you’ll come across as current, confident, and gracious in your interactions!
“Here today, gone tomorrow.” It’s a cliche we know well, but one that until the last twenty-years-or-so didn’t apply to etiquette and manners. The rules of etiquette were always slow to change. Often, they would change only when the new generation took over from the former generation.
Not anymore!
With the impact of technology and social media on society, manners and etiquette are evolving fast to keep up because people need the best practices for these new norms and technologies now.
As a society, we move fast. We can no longer wait 20 years or more until the next generation gets around to writing the rules.
The good news is that manners evolve and change to meet the needs and sensibilities of the current culture. It’s one reason using good manners will always make us more approachable, likable, and confident. By using the most up-to-date best practices for interactions, we’re most likely to show ourselves in the best possible light.
Let’s take a look at the top ten etiquette rules that a generation ago (twenty years or less when we’re talking about etiquette and manners) were the norm of polite social and business interactions that are now considered outdated.
Outdated Etiquette Rules You No Longer Want to Use
1.) Remaining seated during an introduction. A generation ago there were only a few exceptions to the rule that a lady never stood up to shake hands or while being introduced.
Today, especially in a business setting, a woman should always rise (literally!) to the occasion of meeting or saying hello. For more information on this cornerstone of modern manners, check out this post: When to Stand and Why.
2.) Waiting to extend your hand, or extending it in a “princess-like” fashion, instead of offering a correct handshake. Our handshake is our olive branch and nonverbal invitation to “Come on over and join in!”
Have you ever received a handshake that just didn’t feel right? It was as if the other person was afraid you had cooties or didn’t want to commit to fully connecting with you. That doesn’t leave you with a great impression of the other person, does it?
If you’ll notice in the photo above in this blog post, the lady is extending her hand in what’s commonly referred to in etiquette circles as the “cold fish,” “princess,” or “finger-tip” handshake. While girls and ladies were once taught to offer their hands in this dainty way, offering a hand in this fashion keeps the other person from being able to shake it properly.
There is a best practice for shaking hands, and you’ll find it in this post on How to make a Great First Impression — The Five-Step Formula.
Illustration from 1895
3.) Gentlemen, you no longer need to wait until a lady extends her hand. You’re free to offer your hand first. While this is now the proper modern etiquette in the United States, it does vary from country to country. You’ll find it safer to wait for the lady to extend her hand in some European countries and in all Muslim nations where it’s best not to initiate touching, including handshakes, with a woman.
4.) Kissing a lady’s hand is now considered pretentious instead of polite. People should be greeted with a handshake in business situations and a handshake or a hug, depending on your relationship with the individual, in social situations.
Hand-kissing has always been more Continental than American. Did you know that it was only considered proper to kiss the hand of married ladies? Single women were simply offered a slight bow in the olden days!
Today, hand kissing is too formal for our everyday encounters. So gentlemen, when in Rome, help yourself! But, when in Chicago, or Boise, or anywhere else in the USA, extend your hand for a proper handshake!
5.) Men no longer have to enter the backseat of a cab or Uber first. Here’s an outdated etiquette rule that a lot of people never knew existed. While it’s common for ladies to go first in most social situations, this never applied to entering the backseat of a car.
The gentleman would open the door for the lady, then step in front of her and enter the backseat of the car first, leaving her to close the car door.
Why?
Because more often than not, the lady was wearing a dress, and it’s difficult to slide graciously to the other side of the backseat of a vehicle in a dress.
We now take a more commonsense approach because other drivers on the roads have become less patient. The person who can most quickly navigate to the seat behind the driver enters the car and scoots over, allowing the other person just to enter and close the door. That way, the car spends the least amount of time stopped and blocking cars behind it.
6.) We no longer need to call other adults who are approximately our same age by Mr. or Ms. and their last name until they ask us to call them by their first name. Unless it’s your corporate culture to do otherwise, as an adult you’re safe to call someone you’ve just met by their first name. Be aware this is not the case in some European countries where people do not use a first-name basis with co-workers, clients, vendors, and others.
In the United States we tend to call each other by our first names as soon as we’ve met, but if you’re not sure, err on the side of formality. It’s never wrong to call someone Mr. or Ms. and their last name.
For more on this important subject and on the use of titles vs. honorifics, you’ll want to check out this post on proper modern usage: Should We Still Say “Yes, Ma’am!” and “No, Sir”?
7.) You no longer have to offer a toast with wine or champagne. There are many reasons why someone might choose not to drink alcohol, including wine or champagne. In fact, it’s now considered rude instead of polite to offer someone an adult beverage who is already drinking something else. Why someone chooses not to imbibe is a private matter.
You can raise your glass no matter what you’re drinking, including water.
8.) You don’t want to wait a year to send a wedding gift. In the days before gift registries existed and there was no such thing as express delivery, it was considered appropriate for wedding guests to deliver their gifts to the happy couple any time before the newlywed’s first wedding anniversary.
Now that gift registries tell you exactly what the couple is hoping to receive, and companies like Amazon can deliver items in a matter of days, wedding gifts should arrive before the wedding!
Yes, before the wedding.
At the least, if you’re attending the ceremony, you should bring the gift with you. Here is where you can find out the modern must-knows about the etiquette of giving wedding gifts and how to be everyone’s favorite wedding guest.
9.) You no longer have to return a dish full of food when you’ve been gifted food. Not too long ago, you were never supposed to return an empty food container to someone who brought you food.
This manner never made sense. While it’s a nice thought, the fact that you had to return the dish full meant you had to work for your gift. In fact, now it’s kind to place the food in a container the recipient can keep as part of the gift, or at least a recyclable plastic container that you don’t expect the person to return.
Nowadays, a thank you note is all you need to give to show your appreciation for the person’s kindness. The easy formula for writing heartfelt thank you notes is in this post.
If you find yourself providing meals for friends or on the receiving end of meals due to having a new baby or perhaps surgery, illness, or a personal setback, you’ll enjoy knowing the tips in this post, which covers all the basics of giving and receiving food from friends.
10.) You no longer have to change conversational partners with each new course at a dinner party. There was a time when, following the lead of the host or hostess, you would first talk to the person on your right, and continue talking to that same person throughout the first course.
When served the second course, you would turn your attention to the person on your left and engage in conversation until the third course arrived.
While eating the third course, you would go back to talking to the person on your right. It was called “turning the table,” and it was done to make sure no one was without a table mate to talk to during dinner.
These days we like our conversations authentic, not mandatory or staged, so we let them flow naturally throughout the meal.
Talk to those around you without regard to rigid formalities. Just make sure to invite anyone sitting near you into your conversation if you see that the person isn’t talking to anyone. Being left out is a horrible feeling, and it’s one we can make sure no one at our table ever feels!
Outdated Etiquette Rules
Because etiquette has evolved so much in the last twenty years to keep up with our fast-paced and techno-savvy culture, I could have included another 20 outdated etiquette rules.
Most of them would have dealt with the changing roles of men and women in dating and social situations. However, in these areas, it isn’t so much that something is technically right or wrong (from an etiquette standpoint). It has more to do with how a couple chooses to live out the traditional roles. So I’ll save those outdated manners for a different post!
What’s Next?
What etiquette would you like to see included on our list of outdated ones? Or what great old manner would you like to see used more often? Let us know in the comments! Our comment section is a private Facebook page for subscribers only. Join us! It’s a fun place of friendship and fellowship! You’ll find the Family Room Fellowship by clicking this link. Be sure to answer the question Facebook will ask while requesting to join, and also know that this group is only for blog subscribers to build community within our group.
Thank you for being here today! Until next time, keep doing what only you can do. Make your corner of the world better by being you at your authentic best!
Blessings,
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By: Maralee McKee, Manners Mentor
You’ve just been handed a gift and are about to open it.
All eyes are on you.
If what’s in the box isn’t what you would have picked out for yourself, you hope your face will hide your feelings.
You don’t want to hurt the gift giver. And besides, you know it’s the thought that counts and not the gift.
You also realize you’re not Meryl Streep or Robert Downey, Jr.
You don’t know how convincingly you can act like you adore a gift that you’ll never cherish.
Not to worry. From now on, you’ve got this!
Follow the steps I share in this post, and you’ll be fine whether the gift is very “you” or has you wondering, “Really? You thought I would like this? You’re my friend, but do you know me at all?” These seven manners of opening gifts will show you how to receive presents graciously while being authentic. It won’t even matter whether the gift turns out to be something you’re going to cherish or try to forget. If you’re hosting a bash and would rather people didn’t bring any gifts, that’s fine most of the time, but not always. For the full scoop, check out Does “No Gifts Please,” Really Mean I Shouldn’t Bring a Present?
The 7 Manners of Opening Gifts
1. Know the little-known meaning of “thank you.”
By definition, the phrase “Thank you” doesn’t mean you like the gift (or whatever it is that you’re saying thank you for). It simply acknowledges that you notice someone has extended you a kindness.
When it comes to a gift, regardless of whether you like your present, saying thank you, even an enthusiastic thank you, isn’t a lie (or even a white lie).
The fact that a person gave you something is a kindness that rightfully deserves your eager acknowledgment.
2. Open the card first.
Opening the card first shows you have more interest in the sentiment behind the present than what’s in the bag or box you’re about to open.
If you’re opening gifts at a party or shower, say aloud whom the gift is from: “This gift is from Taylor.”
Then read the card to yourself. The sentiments from the person are private.
After reading the card, make eye contact with Taylor, smile, and say thank you.
Grace note: If she wrote something that touched your heart, you can and should let her know. “Thank you, Taylor. What you wrote means the world to me.” You can tell her then, or wait and tell her in private sometime during the party.
3. Have the giver present in the room.
Gift givers are kind enough to search for, buy, wrap, and bring you gifts. During the holidays, at a party, or one-on-one, it’s gracious to open presents in front of them so they are there for the “unveiling” and so you can thank them in the moment.
4. Say thank you in this special way.
You want to say thank you, but not just in any old way. You want to make sure your thank you includes these four elements (in any order) for maximum gratitude impact:
~ Mention the gift by name.
~ Say something nice about the gift and the giver.
~ Use the gift giver’s name.
~ Say the words “thank you.”
Put it all together and you have something like this: “Tia, you know me so well! You remembered that I collect Savannah Glass from the 1950s. Thank you! This salt and pepper shaker set is going to look great on my table. You picked a special gift, and I’ll think of you every time I use it.”
Graciously handle gifts you don’t like.
Grace note: What if you don’t like the gift? Then what do you say? Honestly, it’s hard. But since we know the Gold Standard of the four elements listed above, we can do it. Or at the least, we can get really close.
Our thank you will be more heartfelt than many people who like the present they received but don’t know the etiquette of expressing it.
One of the times I dealt with this was when someone gave Kent and me an 8″ x 10″ framed photo of herself. It wasn’t from a family member or someone we consider family, and since our house (which this person had visited several times) is small, and I only have one 8″ x 10″ photo of my children on display, why she thought we’d have space for her photo is a mystery.
I don’t remember exactly what I said when I opened it, but it was something like this (I’m not using her real name): “A framed photo, Dee-Dee. Thank you. You gave us a very personal gift. Your blue blouse is pretty (it was), and it’s nice how the frame will sit on a table or can be mounted on the wall!”
I had to look hard for the good. But that’s the beauty of looking for good. If we search, we’ll always find it.
I was able to acknowledge her gift and say thank you without any lies, not even a white one.
And yes, even though you thanked the person verbally for the gift, it’s still gracious to send a hand-written note as a permanent reminder of your gratitude. The how-tos of writing a heart-felt note are in 7 Savvy Manners for Writing Thank You Notes After Saying Thanks.
5. Deal graciously with duplicate gifts.
It sometimes happens that we receive duplicate gifts. When you open the second gift, it can be awkward for you and both of the gift-givers, especially the second person.
Having two of the same item is often nice. Two bottles of your favorite scent, that’s a bonus! However, two toasters, unless you’re making toast for ten every day — you probably don’t need the second one.
When having a duplicate is a plus, mention it as you say thank you. It will set both gift-givers at ease.
When having a duplicate isn’t something you can use, thank the second person the same as you did the first. You can add on something like, “You and Gail are both great gift-givers! I’m blessed with friends who are like-minded in their good taste!”
You can deal with what to do with the duplicate gift later. For now, open the next gift.
In any social setting, you want to push reset on the awkward button as quickly as possible.
Note: In my book, chapter eleven is Giving and Receiving Gifts Gleefully. In it, I share all the adult skills for both giving and receiving gifts. You’ll learn how to impart these easily to your children and teens so that, by the time they’re grown, the skills will be automatic for them. You can get your copy of Manners That Matter for Moms here.
6. Keep the gift in its packaging during the party.
You want to unwrap the gift, but leave the item in the manufacturer’s box until after the party. You want the gift-opening part of a party not to drag on and on. People don’t need to see your iPad out of the box or all the attachments that came with your mixer.
However, if a gift is a unique item (jewelry, something handmade, or anything that has delicate details), you certainly can pass it around for everyone to see close up. You also can set it on a nearby table, and invite anyone who wants to take a look to do so at their leisure.
7. Write down who gave you what.
I know you probably already know this, but I have to say it. Sometimes, if it’s a small gathering and you receive five or six gifts, you’re “sure” you’ll remember exactly who gave you what when you later write your thank you notes. However, two days later, you’ll be surprised how doubts, if not outright forgetfulness, will sneak in on you.
You don’t want to send a thank you note to someone for a gift they didn’t give you. It’s embarrassing! Sadly, I know firsthand. But, that’s a story for another day. 🙂
Follow the seven manners of opening gifts I’ve shared here, and people won’t mind at all when an opportunity to give you another gift rolls around! When presents are graciously opened, people know you appreciate their gifts, and, more importantly, they’re certain you appreciate them. And that’s a feeling everyone cherishes!
What’s Next?
Talk soon! Until then, live your best life by being kinder than necessary, and you at your best!
XOXO and blessings,
Continue Reading
By: Maralee McKee, Manners Mentor
When you’ve been invited to a dinner or party, most of the time, it’s customary to bring a gift for the host or hostess as a way of showing your gratitude for having made the short list of guests to attend out of all the people they know.
There’s definitely an etiquette to picking the perfect hostess gift, and the gifts people most commonly give, sadly, are on the worst list instead of the best list.
Flowers, food and wine, with a few exceptions (that I’ll explain), are all on the worst list.
If all the usual gifts aren’t the ones we should be giving, what is on the best list?
I’ve got you covered! I’ll share examples complete with links to the items.
Plus, there are certain moments and methods for giving the gift that will help the host remember your kind gesture fondly and make sure that other guests who didn’t bring a gift don’t feel awkward.
And once you know the easy etiquette of how to pick and give the perfect hostess gift, you’ll arrive at parties knowing you’re showing up at your best!
The Etiquette of When and How to Give and Receive the Hostess Gift
1. Be discrete. Not everyone at the party will bring a hostess gift, so you’ll want to offer yours to the hostess as soon as you greet her without bringing undo attention to the gift. You could say something like this as she opens the door in the quick private moment you share as she greets you: “Merry Christmas, Charlotte! Thank you so much for inviting us this evening. This is for you!”
2. Say the best thing when you’re given the gift. If you’re the host or hostess, as you take the gift say something along the lines of, “This is so kind of you Brad and Angie! Thank you! I look forward to opening it later. Come in and let me get you something to drink and introduce you to Patrick, my brother. He’s visiting from the Seattle area.” The host actually did several gracious things in those few sentences. You can find out more about it in this post, The 5 Manners of Great Christmas Party Conversations.
3. Don’t unwrap the gift. Unlike most other gifts, hostess gifts are NOT opened in front of the giver, so that people who didn’t know to bring a gift don’t feel awkward. The hostess should set the gift aside in an inconspicuous spot or a different room and open it after the party.
4. Thank the giver, but not with a thank you note. Thank you notes are NOT sent for hostess gifts, since they are thank you gifts. People would be sending thank-yous for thank-yous, and, well, it would all be very confusing and the circle would never stop.
However, people like to know that you know what they gave you. (Did the card fall off and now you have no idea who brought you this fantastic set of embroidered napkins?) For that reason, it’s nice to send an email, text, or call to say thank you. The hostess can do this the day following the party, or later that evening if the party took place during the day.
5. An exception: Don’t you love how there’s always an exception!
Any-who, if there is no one around at the time you are given the gift, or if the opportunity arises and you can ask the guest(s) who gave you the gift to join you for a moment in the other room when no one else will be in eyeshot, you may open their gift in front of them so that you can thank them in person!
When it can be done discreetly, this is a gracious way to handle the situation. It’s usually easy enough at small events; when the party is a large one, I wouldn’t even try, because Murphy’s Law will take over and someone will see you.
If you do open the gift in front of the giver, this post, The 7 Manners of Opening Every Gift, will have you prepared for what to say no matter what’s in the box or bag!
Flowers, Food and Wine As Hostess Gifts
A bouquet of flowers: Flowers, unless they’re delivered the day after the party, are not a good choice for a hostess gift.
Why not flowers?
It’s because if the hostess is given a bouquet, she has to stop what she’s doing and: find a vase, make a fresh cut on the stem of each one, fill the vase with water, arrange them, and find a place to put the flowers so that they’re on display while you’re there.
It takes a lot of valuable time when she’s busy greeting and seeing to the needs of her guests, plus trying, I hope, to enjoy her own party.
Flowers delivered before the party: If flowers are delivered before the party, she’s saved from having to arrange them quickly, but she still has to have them on display so as not to be rude to the giver. Maybe they don’t match her decor, or she just can’t find the right place for them. While that might not bother her at all if she weren’t having guests over, she properly wants everything perfect for the party. And the flowers, although they are a very nice gesture, have put a dent in her decorating.
Flowers delivered after the party: Sending flowers the day after the party is a different story. She can display the flowers wherever she wants, even if that’s in her bedroom or master bath. When in doubt, send a potted orchid! They last longer than cut flowers, are elegant, and go with any decor, especially if you send a white orchid.
Giving wine: Wine can be given as long as you follow one rule. As you hand the hosts the bottle, say something like this: “This wine is a favorite of mine, and I thought you and Stephanie might enjoy it some quiet evening in the coming weeks.” What you want to express is that by no means do you expect them to serve the wine you brought during the party. The reason? The hosts have put thought into every item on the menu; if they think that you’re expecting them to serve your wine, it disrupts their menu.
Giving food: Food can also be given as long as it’s not homemade and not something suitable to serve at the party. Gifting a basket of items for a lovely breakfast or tea is fine. Bringing your delicious scratch-made coconut cake (or even one from a bakery) is going to make the hostess feel like she needs to serve it while you’re there, even if as you hand it to her you say, “This is for your dessert tomorrow night!”
The fact that it’s fresh now is going to put a lot of pressure on her to serve it during the party. She’s going to have to gather serving utensils, eating utensils, and other things she hadn’t planned on, not to mention that if your cake is the hit of the party, it’s going to make the dessert she planned less than stellar.
What you could do is tell her when you arrive at the party that tomorrow you’re going to drop off (fill in the blank) for her and the family to enjoy! That takes away all the pressure and gives her something delicious to look forward to for dessert tomorrow!
What’s The Difference Between a Regular Gift and a Hostess Gift?
The gift you bring to the party is traditionally called a hostess gift even though it can be something that’s appropriate for the host and/or hostess.
The gift you bring as a hostess gift differs from what you might give the same person for, let’s say, a birthday. A birthday present can be a personal item: perfume, a new novel by a favorite author, costume jewelry, a new sleeve of golf balls, or such. A hostess gift by definition is something a host or hostess would use in the course of entertaining. It could be entertaining for just their immediate family (a breakfast gift basket) or for a future party (place cards, coasters, guest hand towels, a serving plate, a candy dish, a tray, or such).
If the party you attend is one in which whole families were invited, then you might want to give a gift the whole family will enjoy and can use during their next party, like a board game or something fun for the pool or game room.
Giving a Christmas tree ornament as a hostess gift for a holiday party is fine as long as you’ve seen their Christmas decorations before and know that yours will match with their tree’s theme and color scheme, or that their theme is eclectic enough that anything will look great, or that the item you give is neutral enough to blend well.
Can You Show Me Some Specific Examples of Great Hostess Gifts?
I’d be happy to assist! I either own or have bought each of the following items as a hostess gift. Anyone you’d give one of these items to would be happy to receive it!
(Please note: Click on the link instead of the photo for more information. Also, the following links are affiliate links. That means that at no extra cost to you, should you purchase anything from the following list, I would be paid a few cents on each dollar.)
This water pitcher and diffuser is wonderful. Add your favorite fruit(s), mint, cucumber, or whatever you wish, and your water has the wonderfully subtly infused flavor of whatever you’ve added.
Menus: A Book for Your Meals and Memories
I knew this book would be a treasure the moment I found it, and it is! Write down your menu, guest list, and other details of your parties. It helps in organizing your best ideas and menu items. Plus, it’s the perfect memory book of all your special occasions. Not only helpful, it’s a beautifully designed book inside and out. It was also one of Oprah’s Favorite Things of 2018!
Elegance Hammered 6-Inch Stainless Steel Bowl
Everyone likes candy, and this modern, beautiful steel bowl would be perfect as a candy dish. Add a bag of wrapped chocolates so the hostess can fill it right away! Your kindness will be remembered every time she sees it.
Classic Porcelain Place Cards — Set of 6
Using place cards shows your guests that you’ve prepared a spot just for them! Plus, you can separate guests that might not see eye-to-eye on certain subjects and start a war of words at your table. These reusable place cards look lovely on formal or casual tables, and they’re also great to use on buffet tables to identify what each dish contains. There are so many uses for these that you’ll want more than one set of six! A perfect hostess gift!
Godinger Coaster Set, Round Marble Gold Edged — Set of 4 (Other Colors Available)
To protect furniture, each guest needs a coaster. Most hosts don’t have enough for each guest, and that’s why they make great hostess gifts. Marble is the “in” look now, and these classic marble coasters by Godinger are sure to please for years to come! They’re so pretty, I bet the host keeps them out all year!
Park Hill Collection Scented Candle Front Porch
I thought nothing in the world could smell better than the candles from the Ritz Carlton Hotel Chain line of candles. Then I bought one of these in a boutique on vacation. They’re wonderfully fragrant! “Front Porch” is my new favorite, and everyone who comes to the house comments on the lovely aroma. These long-lasting candles burn clean for about 60 hours! They’re beautifully made and perfect for year-round use!
Simulinen Guest Hand Towels — Linen-Like and Disposable, Package of 100
No one wants to dry their hands on a towel someone else just used. Place these paper linen towels in the bathroom for guests. They feel great, absorb wonderfully, and look great, too! They’re available in several colors and patterns.
More Items to Help You Choose the Perfect Hostess Gift or Other Gift!
The above items are a sampling of hostess gifts. On the Manners Mentor site, I’ve curated a selection of items for you and your home and perfect gifts for many of the special people in your life! You can check out the product categories that interest you and see what I’ve chosen by clicking on any of the following links:
For The Children We Love
For the Gentleman in Your Life
For the Most Beautiful You
Great Books
Make Tea Time Sublime
Stationery and Paper Goods
The Gracious Hostess
The Well-Equipped Kitchen
Until next time, give the world what only you can give, the gift of you at your authentic best!
Hugs galore,
Here are ten habits of gracious ladies (and gentlemen) that we can all make our own. When we put them into practice, we’ll be gracious, confident, and savvy — admired traits personally, socially, and professionally.
By: Maralee McKee
(A note to men reading this post: The old saying is true, “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.” The ten gracious skills you’ll find below will strengthen your likeability muscles as surely as they will the ladies reading and putting these skills into practice!)
For good or for bad, our habits form and define us.
The habits of gracious ladies establish them as confident, socially smart, sincere, and likable. These are traits that are admirable, for sure. And even better, they’re attainable by any of us who simply are willing to keep them at the top of our mind and put them into daily use.
And while at first, we might feel a little like actress Audrey Hepburn playing Elisa Doolittle in the film classic My Fair Lady practicing her charms but not feeling like she owned them, in time there comes a magic moment when they become automatic, and we’re transformed from a work in progress to a better version of ourselves.
There’s nothing fake about making any of these skills our own. It’s only putting on a false front if the person doing it is insincere. For anyone wanting to make a positive change, it’s actually self-improvement, and that’s always a smart, savvy decision!
What Defines a Gracious Lady
To understand what defines a gracious lady, we first need to know the truest definition of gracious. Webster’s Dictionary uses the following adjectives to paint a picture for us:
Gracious: kind, courteous, pleasant, polite, civil, well-mannered, tactful, benevolent, diplomatic, considerate, thoughtful, and friendly.
Some might say that a gracious lady is a weak lady. That’s because, these days, culture often defines personal strength as having an edge.
Raw, rough, and ready to rumble is how some define the new femininity.
To that, I say it’s time to sand down our edges and polish up our manners. All those raw and rough edges chip away at civility, the very thing that connects us to one another and keeps civilization moving forward.
Personal strength lies in being able to rise above the rubble, not in being able to tear something down to create it.
“But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.” James 3:17 (ESV)
Habits of Gracious Ladies — 10 Remarkable Traits to Make Your Own
1.) A gracious lady is not in the habit of cursing or yelling. She knows that she expresses herself best — and sets the standard for those closest to her — when she uses a tone of voice and words that communicate to others rather than degrade them.
2.) A gracious lady doesn’t keep social score. She’ll ask a friend to join her even if the friend hasn’t invited her anywhere in a long time. She’ll call to say hello even though she’s been the one to call the last four times. She understands that some people are more attuned to keeping friendships flourishing. She’s glad she has a talent that fosters the continuance and growth of relationships.
3.) A gracious lady sends handwritten thank you notes. Not only does she write them, she knows the formula for writing cards in a way that fully expresses her appreciation and leaves the recipient feeling acknowledged and loved.
4.) A gracious lady doesn’t laugh at the expense of others. Even if those being laughed at are laughing along with everyone else, a gracious lady understands that being the brunt of a joke bruises their ego and heart and later whispers into their ear that they truly are what the others were joking about.
5.) A gracious lady rises to the occasion of greeting others — literally. She knows the modern manners for when to stand and that by the simple act of standing, she’s showing respect and special kindness for the other person.
6.) A gracious lady welcomes newcomers and sets them up for success. She knows what it feels like to be new to a group or alone at a party, and she’s quick and happy to introduce herself and others to the person and start a great conversation.
7.) A gracious lady is a respecter of time — yours and hers. She knows that arriving early is often inconvenient for the person she’s visiting, whether it’s for a business meeting or social event. She’s also aware that running late is a form of disrespect. When it does happen, she knows how to handle herself with grace.
8.) A lady dresses appropriately for the occasion because she knows that her clothing speaks for her from across the room before she has the chance to say her first hello. She knows that it doesn’t matter whether her budget allows her to buy clothes from Saks or WalMart. It’s possible to look good or bad wearing clothing from either store. She understands that while she needs to be comfortable, without even a trace of pain, in order to enjoy an event or pay full attention to her work, clothing speaks volumes about her. She is well-versed in what to wear where!
9.) A gracious lady knows that her most beautiful physical attribute is her sincere smile. She understands the important role it plays in making a good first and lasting impression. Not only does she radiate a warmth that attracts others when she smiles, but she knows each smile is a gift she gives to encourage, brighten the day of, and show kindness to others.
10.) A gracious lady is slow to take offense. She knows her worth and her strengths (and weaknesses), and she’s at peace with herself. Because of this, a lady is able to assume the best in others.
If something negative is said that seems to be directed at her, she asks for clarification. “Did you mean that as a criticism? I don’t want to assume that you did.” Usually, she’s offered an apology because many criticisms are simply poorly worded sentences that the other person said without any negative intent.
If the person did mean to criticize, the gracious lady says, “I’ll respond after I’ve thought about it.” This stops the discussion, puts her in control of it, and gives her time to give thought to what was said.
If there’s any merit to the words, she’s glad for the chance to improve herself. If there’s no merit to the words, she moves on. A gracious lady knows, as the saying goes, “You can’t please all the people all the time.”
She knows better than to let other people’s opinions negatively impact her by taking them to heart or letting them anger her.
“Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.” Proverbs 19:11 (ESV)
10 Unique Habits of Remarkably Gracious Ladies
This post just as easily could have been titled “The 110 Unique Habits of Remarkably Gracious Ladies” because, of course, there are more. However, the ones here are important to put into practice to the point that they become as natural to us as breathing out and breathing in. When we do, we’ll be a welcomed breath of fresh air wherever we go!
What’s Next?
Until next time, keep doing what only you can do! Bless the world by being you at your authentic best!!!
Blessings galore,
Daily Life & Must-Knows
Links to Love from Around the Web- Valentine’s Edition!
By: Maralee McKee, The Etiquette of America Here’s a collection of links to love from around the web. You’ll find Valetine’s Day centered posts and more. Enjoy!!! Valentine’s Day history is anything but romantic. Different theories abound, but the most common ones contain pagen rituals and decapatation. Here, from NPR, is the dark histroy of the origins of our modern Valentine’s Day. Who was St. Valentine, and what did he do to get martyred? There are actually two priests named Valentine that were martyred by the same Roman emporer. Both are tied to our celebration of love. This priest stayed true to his convictions and contrary to the orders of the emporer he refused to stop performing marriage cermonies. The idea that Valentine’s Day is for celebrating love is believed to have originated in this epic 699 line poem by Geoffrey Chaucer, The Parliment of Fowls. It contains one of the first mentionsContinue Reading
Should You Send a Christmas Card to Someone Suffering a Loss This Year?
By: Maralee McKee, The Etiquette School of America Should you send a Christmas card to someone suffering a loss this year? Absolutely! InContinue Reading
Manners & More From Around the Web (Week Eight)
By: Maralee McKee, The Etiquette School of America Here’s a curation of links from around the web gathered for your reading delightContinue Reading
How to Say Grace Amazingly Well This Thanksgiving and Any Time
Saying grace before a meal, whether you’re the host or guest, and whether you’re doing it in person or via Zoom, can be nerve-wracking. Here’sContinue Reading
Class, Confidence, & Conversation
How to Say Grace Amazingly Well This Thanksgiving and Any Time
Saying grace before a meal, whether you’re the host or guest, and whether you’re doing it in person or via Zoom, can be nerve-wracking. Here’s the etiquette of how to say grace amazing well in all situations. By: Maralee McKee, The Etiquette School Of America Two of the most common fears people share are public speaking and heights. I bet if we took a poll, we’d be surprised to find out that for a lot of folks, their third biggest fear is praying out loud, even if it’s around people they know. It ties in to the general fear of public speaking, but with praying or saying grace in front of others, there’s an extra added something that makes people feel they’ve got to get it perfect. After all, no one wants to be known as what Corbett, my youngest son, calls a bad “pray-er.” 🙂 When he was younger, after every prayer theContinue Reading
By: Maralee McKee, Manners Mentor
Forgetting someone’s name leaves us feeling awkward. We can all relate because it’s happened to everyone more than once, and it’s probably going to happen again. It’s not that we don’t care enough to remember, it’s just that we meet a lot of people over the course of our lives.
If the occasion is attending a seminar or a large social event, we’re liable to meet dozens of new people in a matter of a few hours. It’s almost impossible to remember everyone’s name, especially when you’re being introduced to more than one person every 30 minutes.
I’ve read about all kinds of mind tricks for remembering names, like assigning each person a name that rhymes with the name of a person you know. But that and all the other memory devices make it harder, instead of easier, for me to remember the name of the person standing in front of me. That’s why I like knowing the etiquette of what to do. It provides a comfy social safety net that’s easy to remember!
An attendee at an event where I spoke must have forgotten others’ names more times than she liked. During Q&A time she wrote on a 3″ by 5″ card the following question and had it passed to me. I can feel her frustration, can’t you?
Help Maralee! What do I do if I just can’t remember someone’s name!?!
Forgetting Someone’s Name —What to Do
In no particular order…
1.) If you’re meeting the person for a second time, reintroduce yourself. Usually, when you give your name to others, their natural reaction is to respond with their own name. (Make sure to make sharing your name your preset button!) Check out this post on the formula for making a great first and lasting impression for more savvy, sincere skills.
So that the others don’t think you totally have forgotten them, mention that you’ve met before. Even better, if you can remember where you met them, add that into your re-introduction. “Hello, again! I’m Jenna McKnight. We met at Lilly and Paul’s wedding.”
If the re-introduction happens at work or a work-related event, also mention the name of the company you represent. “Hello! It’s nice to see you again. I’m Jenna McKnight with GenTalent Advisors. We met at last month’s Executive Training Institute meeting.”
Grace Note: Anytime you’re introducing yourself or saying hello, make sure to extend your hand to shake the other person’s hand! This post shares the etiquette of shaking hands and other greetings.
2.) After you re-introduce yourself to others, if they don’t respond with their name, simply and kindly ask them to tell you their name. The perfect go-to script is simply to say, “Please tell me your name again.” Don’t make a “thing” out of the fact that you forgot the person’s name or make an excuse that you’re bad at names (even if you are).
Why?
Because you want as quickly as possible to get past the awkwardness of having to ask, and on to conversation that will help build your relationship, even if it’s just a passing relationship.
Once you’re told the person’s name, respond by using it: “Thank you, Jonathan! So, you came back to another Executive Training meeting. Do you think you’ll join the association? I joined in October and I’ve gotten a lot out of it.”
Grace note: More often than not, you’ll want to be standing when you greet someone. This post shares the manners for when to stand.
3.) With luck, you won’t get one of those people who say, “You can’t remember my name, can you?!” Those people have the graciousness and social IQ of a rock, because it’s unkind to point out someone’s stumble. But if you do come across such people, don’t let them get to you. Respond nicely, because you’re gracious and polite and you’re leading by example. Say something like, “At this moment, I’m having a temporary memory lapse. It happens to everyone. Please tell me your name.” If that doesn’t do the trick, then they’re not going to be your friends or good clients. Excuse yourself and move on.
4.) After others share their name with you, make sure you say it back immediately to help store it in your memory: “It’s nice to meet you, Caroline!” This also gives the others an opportunity to correct you if you misheard them: “Actually, it’s Cheryllynn. I know it’s an uncommon name!”
If your name, like mine, is uncommon, it’s nice to let others know you realize it, and that they’re not the only ones who have needed you to repeat it. It helps them feel less embarrassed that they didn’t understand it immediately.
Being named Maralee, when I introduce myself, people often call me Marilyn. It makes sense because the two names sound similar, and Marilyn is a much more common name.
If those calling me Marilyn are people I’m talking to in passing and probably won’t meet again, I don’t bother to correct them because being corrected is always awkward.
If there’s a chance I could see them again, I share my correct name right away because it’s much less embarrassing for them to be “corrected” now than to realize six weeks from now after they’ve said it a dozen or so times that they’ve been calling me the wrong name. It’s the best practice for anyone!
5.) If you forget someone’s name a few minutes after meeting, try asking someone else the person’s name. Another thing you can do, if you’re talking to the person and someone else comes up to join the conversation, is to ask whether they’ve met. If they haven’t, physically take a step back from them and say, “Please, introduce yourselves!” You take the step back to take yourself out of the picture so that the job of introducing the two of them doesn’t belong to you. And by asking the two people to introduce themselves, you get to hear the person’s name again. If they have met already and do not introduce themselves, listen to the conversation carefully, because they probably will say each other’s names at some point.
6.) Make sure to use the person’s name often during the conversation. This will help you remember it, and the quote above by Dale Carnegie is correct: a person’s own name is the sweetest name to that person’s ears. It’s actually been proven scientifically. You can read more about it in my book Manners That Matter for Moms.
Another tip, and one that I use often, is to jot down others’ names and a brief description when they’re not looking. You can refer back to it throughout the event. You might write a description something like this: Jack Davidson: mid-thirties, super thin, blue and white striped shirt, starting to grow a beard. You could also add things you learned from conversation to your notes: wife is Tia, has two young sons, lives in Michigan. (Don’t write anything negative, since you might lose the note where someone could find it.)
Forgetting Someone’s Name — That’s What You Do If It Happens to You!
There you have them, the top six things to do if you forget someone’s name. These skills are a wonderful social safety net for the next time it happens to you. And if someone forgets your name, try not to take it too hard. 99 percent of the time, there’s nothing meant by it except that, like everyone else, that person doesn’t have a perfect memory!
Until next time, do what only you can do! Bless the world by being you at your authentic best!
Hugs,
Keep these best practices for texting in mind, and with every text you send, you’ll be communicating clearly and gaining the reputation of a professional, gracious, kind person.
By: Maralee McKee, Manners Mentor
(A note before we begin: What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. These best practices for texting work equally well for ladies and gentlemen!)
If you would have told me five years ago that I would send, receive, and reply to as many texts each day as I do, I wouldn’t have believed it. In fact, if you’re older than 30, you probably wouldn’t have believed it about yourself either. However, the stats are in, and ladies, more of us use texting to communicate with people who aren’t in the same room than any other method of communication. In fact, every second you’re reading this post, 69,000 texts are being sent in the U.S. alone. That adds up to 6 billion a day (23 billion worldwide).
The Biggest Benefit of Knowing The Best Practices for Texting
With texting being so popular, its use is going to continue to grow. Knowing the best practices for texting is something every lady should want to master because, while it’s the quickest form of communication, it’s also the one where the most miscommunication happens.
Why?
Because a text has the lowest bandwidth of any form of communication.
What’s communication bandwidth?
Great question!
Bandwidth of communication refers to how well what you’re trying to say transfers without misunderstanding to the person you’re talking to.
A face-to-face conversation has the highest bandwidth because any confusion can be instantly recognized. You can tell by the look on other’s faces whether they understand you and whether what you’re saying is making them happy, angry, confused, or any other emotion. You can then adjust your tone of voice, your word choices, and your body language to best enhance your message and meaning.
When all the different forms of communication are examined, texting has the absolute lowest bandwidth. Yet it’s being used the most. In the 23 billion texts being sent today, many millions of misunderstandings are happening because of it. And as crazy as it is, people text back to try to clear up the misunderstandings, making the spinning top of confusion spin faster!
A lady understands bandwidth; she knows her words need to be understood as she meant them. She knows when a text will do nicely, how to compose a polished one, and how to send it politely. She also knows when it’s better to email, write a letter, pick up the phone, or pay a personal visit. Her aim is always to be understood the first time, and that’s why she’s excited to know and use the best practices for texting.
How a Lady Handles Texting — The 10 Best Practices for Texting
1. A lady never shares especially good or bad news via a text. If it’s good news, she knows that people want to share congratulations verbally. If it’s bad news, she knows that the other person(s) naturally will have follow-up questions that will require back-and-forth texting. The best way for life-impacting information to be shared is in person or over the phone (even if you need to leave a voice mail).
2. A lady does all she can never to start a group text. In the rare cases when one is necessary, she never starts it among people who don’t know one another well unless each person has agreed to it in advance. Instead, she sends out a group email (with the email addresses of the others concealed) and shares her phone number so that each person can contact her directly via text. She realizes that group texts can quickly amass text messages and that phone numbers shouldn’t be shared publically, nor should strangers first be known to others through what they might write in an unfiltered fashion in a text, unaware of who else is part of the group.
However, if everyone in the group text has agreeded to be part of it in advance. She knows it’s OK to send one. For anyone who didn’t agree, she texts them privately.
3. A lady never sends a text at an hour when she wouldn’t call. Knowing that many people no longer have landlines, and they sleep with their cell phones by their bed, she knows that if they have forgotten to silence the phone for the night, her text will disturb their sleep.
4. A lady never texts in a place or situation where it would divert her attention from the people with her. She also wouldn’t text if doing so would distract people around her at an event like a movie, concert, meeting, religious service, or the like. At a wedding or funeral, her phone is turned off and left in her purse or car. This is especially true if she happens to be the bride at the wedding! (Don’t you wonder what in the world the bride shown in the gif below was texting during her wedding as she’s about to be walked down the aisle by her Dad?! The poor man looks rather baffled and embarrassed.)
5. A lady knows that since texting is the fastest form of communication (other than speaking), it requires the fastest response time. A phone call or email requiring a response, especially if it’s business-related, should be answered within 24 hours. Texts should be responded to at your first opportunity. While you don’t want to divert your attention to every text received and text immediately, they should be texted three times per day and answered at those times. It’s fine if your replies simply let the senders know that you’ve received and read their texts and when they can expect the information they were requesting. “Hello, Bree! I received your text and will call you tonight before 8 PM about getting together this weekend! (Maralee)”
6. Unless it’s someone she knows well, a lady doesn’t expect the person she’s texting to recognize her by her phone number. When sending or replying to a text, she knows that it’s savvy and kind to write her name inside parentheses at the end of the text. For an example, refer to tip 5 above.
7. A lady realizes that texting has a constantly evolving and expanding language all its own and that many people are unfamiliar with most or some of it. Until she knows how well the person she’s texting “speaks” the language, she only uses words that are part of regular spoken language. It’s only nice to receive a text that reads “U R Gr8!” if you know that it translates to “You are great!” A general rule of thumb is that you don’t want to go casual in a text and use text lingo until you’ve shared laughs with the person face-to-face. This ensures there’s enough of a relationship established that you can be casual, as long as the person isn’t a boss, professor, teacher, elected official, or the like.
Grace Note: If a lady receives a baffling text, she knows that she can look up texting translations at NetLingo.com, the largest resource of text acronyms and symbols. If a lady plans on continuing to use standard words in her texts, that’s fine; she doesn’t need to change her word usage. If the person she’s communicating with is fluent in text-speak, and she’s interested in learning it, she can look up words and phrases to her heart’s content and reply using them unless she’s representing her business. In work-related texts, it’s best to use a more professional vocabulary.
8. A lady knows that many emoticons have double meanings. She doesn’t use them in a text until she’s sure of all their definitions. For instance, the popular “shrugging” emoji does follow the word meaning and is used correctly to indicate a lack of an answer to a question being asked in the text. In text lingo, it also symbolizes asking for a sexual liaison. While a lady always assumes the person meant the most common terminology for the emoji, she’s not naive. She’s wise enough to consider the sender of the text and whether that person was suggesting the lesser-known meaning. There are two online emoticon dictionaries to consult. Emojipedia is for standard usage. The Emoji Dictionary is crowd-sourced, and it’s where you’ll find the “street” meanings.
9. A lady knows that texting in front of others is the new version of whispering in front of others. If a lady is part of a group, even if they’re not in the middle of a conversation, she will casually and quickly mention to no one in particular the reason for her text or the person she’s texting. “Excuse my quick text. I need to check in with work.” Or “Excuse the text. I’m confirming something with the babysitter.”
10. A lady does not take part in arguments via text, and she does not substitute texting for unpleasant conversations she should have in person. If words in a text escalate, she’ll call the person so that the bandwidth of the conversation is closer (see near the beginning of this post for the explanation of bandwidth.) and the argument can be resolved before it escalates further. A lady is always aware that anything she texts can be shared with just a few button clicks to anyone and everyone.
There you have the ten best practices for texting. However, no matter which form of communication her words take — phone, email, letter, in person, or a text — most importantly, a lady knows that her words hold power. They can soothe or leave bruises. They can encourage or discourage. They can lift up or push down. They can praise or curse. A lady first chooses and then does the hard work of living out her decision to take the narrow path. But that’s fine with her! She rejoices over Proverbs 31: 25-26:
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
The 10 Best Practices for Texting — Two Important Extra Tips
11. A lady always reads her text slowly and carefully before pushing the send button. She knows that typos are easy when we’re quickly clicking those small keys and that auto-correct has probably caused more problems than it has solved. I once texted my best friend, and I don’t know what I accidentally typed, but I meant to write that she was my greatest friend. Instead, auto-correct for some reason decided to change “friend” to “fiend.” Thankfully, my sweet friend assumed the best about me, and although she still jokes about me calling her a fiend, our friendship is secure. 🙂
12. A lady pays absolutely no attention to texts when she is driving. She doesn’t even try to read them while stopped at red lights. She knows that if she were to do that, she would take her eyes off the road and would not be able to see situations like a vehicle crossing into her lane or some other driving catastrophe.
Five years ago my mother was stopped at a red light. The light turned green. She was the third car through the intersection when a driver turned left (on his red light) and plowed into her while he was reading a text. Mom spent weeks in the hospital with broken ribs and a badly broken leg. That was followed by more than two months in a rehab center as she underwent painful, daily therapy to regain her ability to walk. She had multiple surgeries, and her left leg now contains more steel than bone. She walks with a cane because of the accident. Mom’s car was totaled. It was four weeks old and the first new one she ever owned. The other driver was underinsured and unemployed. We’re glad he was uninjured; however, one of the police officers noticed that he was texting again as Mom was being loaded into the ambulance!
What’s Next?
Until next time, keep doing what only you can do! Bless those around you by being you at your authentic best!
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Until next time…
Blessings and hugs,
By: Maralee McKee, Manners Mentor
Sending a thank-you note by text, or sending a thank-you note by email use to be considered incorrect. But etiquette evolves to keep pace with the way we communicate, and now both are sometimes the best way to express your thanks, especially for small gifts and acts of kindness.
Today, it’s about the art of knowing what kind of thank-you to extend for different occasions and situations.
When do you owe someone a handwritten thank-you note?
When will an emailed note or a text fill the bill?
When is your verbal thank-you plenty?
Thank-You Notes: When to Write, When to Email, and When One Isn’t Necessary
Question:
Dear Maralee,
I have a pretty basic question. I heard once that if a gift is opened in the presence of the gift giver, a handwritten thank-you note is unnecessary because a verbal thank-you was offered. Is this true? If so, is it true in all circumstances? Thank you for your valuable blog!
Answer:
The short answer is: it depends.
With that said, please don’t ever fear that writing a thank-you note and popping it in the mail is incorrect.
Sometimes, I receive emails from people wondering if they should write a thank-you note becasue they fear by doing so they might be viewed as overly formal. The thing is, there isn’t anything formal about a handwritten thank-you note. It’s just that it acts as a permanent reminder of your gratitude.
I doubt anyone who receives one thinks this about the author: “Wow, what a time waster. Didn’t he know this wasn’t necessary?” Instead, it’s more likely the recipient reads it and glows: “Wow, he really noticed and appreciated my efforts.”
And besides, if someont thinks it’s lavish of us, that’s a good thing! Let’s always be lavish in extending gratitude. It encourages the giver and reminds us of our blessings.
While a handwritten note is never incorrect, the answer to your question could fill a chapter in a book. That’s because there are so many different reasons we might want to write, text, or email or thanks.
For now, here’s a tip sheet for helping you decide.
You might want to print it out to keep for reference. One interesting fact: five years ago an email or text thank-you note was considered poor form. Our sensibilities evolve, and with them, etiquette.
Times When a Handwritten Thank-You Note Is Best:
-Children’s birthday party gifts
-Adult birthday party gifts
-Bridal or baby shower gifts
-Anniversary party gifts
-Graduation party gifts
-Housewarming event
-Any gifts received in the mail
-Gifts not opened in front of the giver
-Any kindness or gift extended during or after an illness, a hospitalization, or a funeral (food, flowers, assistance)
-A meal you’ve been treated to in a home or restaurant, socially or for business
-Anything that has been specially designed or handmade for you (craft, woodwork, needlework, quilt, baby items, monogram, etc.)
Times When a Verbal Thank-You Is Sufficient:
-Gifts given as a thank-you gesture (hostess gifts, bridal-attendant gifts)
-Holiday gifts opened in front of the giver
-Thinking-of-You items (small plants, home-baked goodies, candles, etc.)
-Gifts given by family members and closest friends and opened in front of them
-One parent thanking another for a child’s play-date, party, occasional car ride home for the child, etc.
Times When an Email or Text Thank-You Is Sufficient:
-When an email or text is the next contact you’ll have with the other person. This most often happens in work situations. An example: when you email promised documents just hours after having lunch with vendor(s), coworkers, or clients, you’ll want to thank them for lunch.
-In situations where you don’t have a physical address, only an email address. (This happened to me the other day.) Always mention the fact that you don’t have their physical address and that you wanted to thank them with a handwritten note.
-Any small kindness (act or gift) that you want to acknowledge (neighbor picking up your newspapers for two days while you’re away, someone copying a recipe for you, a coworker doing something for you that’s not part of their job description, a church member helping you organize a small event, etc.)
Remember, when in doubt, do more than you think you should! It’s hard to be criticized for being overly gracious!
I’ve written more about thank-you notes in the following posts; they provide information you might be looking for or you’d just enjoy knowing:
The Simple 5-Step Formula for Writing Treasured Thank-You Notes
and
7 Savvy Manners for Writing Thank-You Notes After Saying Thanks
and
The Three Persons You Really Should Write an After-Christmas Thank-You Note To. (Even though this post mentions Christmas, you can substitute any event in its place. The etiquette is the same no matter the occasion. I just happened to write this during the holidays.)
Please Share, Like, Pin, Tweet, or email this post to your friends, family, and those in your social media circles! The Manners Mentor Movement is growing! Thank you so very much for your kindness in helping to spread the word!!!
Until next time, keep doing what you were born to do! Be you…at your authentic best!
Hugs and blessings,
Do you need to write a thank you note if you said thank you in person? The answer is sometimes yes and sometimes no. Here are 7 savvy ways to know when to follow up with a written note and when one isn’t required.
By: Maralee McKee, Manners Mentor
Greetings!
If you’ve been on the receiving end of a meal, a gift, or an act of kindness recently, writing the person a thank you note might be in order even if you said thank you at the time. But how do we know when saying thank you is enough, and when we need to engage in writing thank you notes after saying thanks?
A reader emailed me the question below. She wanted to know about sending a thank you note after eating Easter dinner at a friend’s house. But the heart of the matter keeps the manners the same after any meal that you’re treated to, whether it’s a lavish holiday spread, a summer backyard barbecue, a five-star restaurant meal, or merely fast food.
And it’s not just for meals. The same manners apply to anything we’re thanking someone for giving us or doing for us. Consider this your all-in-one thank-you-note information bulletin board! 🙂
7 Savvy Manners for Writing Thank You Notes After Saying Thanks
Q. Dear Maralee,
You spoke at my church’s women’s event several years ago. I haven’t forgotten a word of it! My question: Do you always send a thank you card after a meal? I thanked the hostess while I was eating and then again as I was saying goodbye. We’re good friends and don’t stand on formalities. If I should send her a card, when should I send it?
Best always,
Robyn J.
Columbia, South Carolina
Writing Thank You Notes after Saying Thanks
1. Short Answer:
Hello, Robyn! Thank you for remembering me and for sending your question my way! It’s always a joy to speak at churches, and I especially remember speaking at yours in Columbia!
In answer to your question, when someone provides us a meal, a thank you note is always a gracious gesture. While good friends are casual with one another, no one minds being appreciated. I’m sure she’ll receive your card with love, sweet surprise, and appreciation.
The odds are close to zero that she’ll read it, shake her head, and think, “Why did she waste her time writing me all these nice things?” 🙂 So no, it’s not required, but it will only take a few minutes to write, and it will touch her heart! So I always encourage people to write one. (Here’s how to write a great one easily!)
2. When Is the Note Due?
You’ll want to pop it in standard (snail) mail the next day (more about this below). Bascially, we want to put that strict time limit on ourself becasue we’re busy, and days can quickly turn into weeks.
3. Proverbs, DNA, & Why Writing Thank You Notes Is Good for You — Body & Soul:
The book of Proverbs reminds us that “Kind words are like honey — sweet for the soul and healthy for the body.” When we say them, we’re blessed as we’re blessing the other person.
Thanking your friend during the meal and as you say goodbye is kind. If you’re the type of person who wants to go the second mile (and if you’re reading this post, I’m going to assume you are), saying it is the first step in expressing your appreciation.
Going the second mile means gifting your host(s) with a permanent reminder of your gratitude by sending them a handwritten note. The multi-sensory experience for the hosts as they spot your card in the mail and open and read it makes your thank you memorable.
Think about this: it’s also uniquely personal because it contains a part of you. You touched the card. It’s in your unique handwriting. You licked the envelope. Your DNA is literally a part of the note. No one else can send the note that you can. It’s gracious evidence of your appreciation that can be kept, re-read, and passed around to others. It lasts long after the words we said at the time are forgotten.
4. Due the Next Day?! What’s the Rush?
True gratitude is spontaneous. If flows from the heart as fluid and unstoppable as an overflowing river.
Think of a child opening a gift that’s something she has had on the top of her “I want” list for months. When she tears open the wrapping paper and sees what’s in the box, she starts jumping up and down; a smile conquers her face; her eyes light the corners of the room where she stands. Nothing is quite as endearing as spontaneous appreciation. Sending a thank you note is our grown-up way of expressing that same sense and level of gratitude.
Also, there’s a practical reason. We’re all busy. If we don’t do it the next day, it’s going to get pushed down on our to-do lists by the demands of the following day and then on and on until it’s off our radar.
5. What about Thank You Notes for Little Gifts and Acts of Kindness?
Some might say, “Sure, he made us dinner, gave us a little gift, or sent flowers — he didn’t donate one of his kidneys to us.”
The thing about that is that true appreciation doesn’t set up a rating system. It’s OK to gush a little, even over the little things. The recipient of your note will find you gracious, endearing, and attentive.
Make sure to thank the giver in person. And then while not necessary, it’s nice to follow up with a handwritten note. This is especially true if the giver thought it was important enough that it was wrapped for you (if it was a wrappable item).
6. What If You “Owe” Someone a Card for a Gift or Meal from Weeks or Months Ago?
That’s O.K., we’ve all been there! A thank you note sent late is better than one never sent. Go ahead and mail it along with a quick apology for the lateness.
In the future, we all need to remember (me included!) that the ones we send weeks after the event, even though we’re sincere, can send a mixed message. The recipient can sometimes read between the lines, imagining the giver thinking, “Thank goodness this nagging task is finally off my mind and off my to-do list.”
7. Can I Send My Note Via Text or Email?
Sure, as long as your meal wasn’t planned in advance and was served in a fast food chain, or a casual local restaurant. In other words, if someone says to you, “Hey, do you want to catch some lunch with me? I think I’m going to the taco truck at the corner.” And then when you’re there says, “Here, let me get this for us.” A verbal thank you followed by a quick text or email thank you is fine. You’ll also want to return the favor when the next opportunity arises.
Etiquette has evolved to meet our needs and sensibilities. There are lots of times when texted or emailed thank you notes are fine. Here’s a post, with all the details about graciously emailing or texting your thanks. Thank You Notes: When to Send a Handwritten One, When It’s OK to Email or Text, & When One’s Not Required
In General
Thank you notes are short. They take us about five minutes to write, address, and drop in our mailbox — much less time than the other person spent on preparing food or buying us a gift. Send your note with a glad heart. You’ll brighten the day of the recipient, who realizes you noticed and appreciated the effort spent on you, and you’ll have exercised your virtue of gratitude.
Important Grace Notes
Here are other posts about thank you notes with new, additional information. You might enjoy checking them out, too!
The Gracious Five-Step Formula for Writing Thank You Notes: I feel this is one of the most important and impactful posts on the blog. If you want an easy formula to follow which, even though it’s a formula, will allow you to write authentic thank you notes from your heart that will touch the hearts of those you’re sending them to, this is the post for you!!!
and
The 3 Persons You Really Should Write After-Christmas Thank You Notes To: This post talks about Christmas. When it comes to the manners of the situation, you can substitute anything in for Christmas, and the manners remain unchanged. It’s actually year-round info!
Please Share, Like, Pin, Post, or email this post to your friends, family, and those in your social media circle. The Manners Mentor Movement is spreading, thanks to your thoughtfulness and eagerness in always sharing! Without YOU, it will go nowhere.
We know manners won’t fix the world, but they will make our daily encounters with one another less stressful and more confident, gracious, and kind. I’d say that’s a great start for a happier life for us and for our children!
Until next time, keep doing what you were put on Earth to do: bless others by being you…at your authentic best!!!
Blessings,
Children & Family
5 Simple, Savvy, Sincere Ways to Show Your Love
By: Maralee McKee, The Etiquette School of America You’ve probably heard the much quoted joke about the couple that’s been married for decades. The wife asks her husband, “Why don’t you ever tell me you love me?” The husband dryly answers, “I told you on our wedding day. If anything changes, I’ll let you know.” It’s a classic case of a couple with differing expectations of the need for and the how-to of ways to show their love for one another. In the joke, the example is so obvious that no one can miss it. However, in millions of important close relationships of every type (marriages, dating, best friends, parent and child, adult child and parent, adult siblings…), the same thing happens in ways that aren’t obvious. In fact, to notice them you have to be looking for them. And looking for ways to love other people that speak to their heart is exactly whatContinue Reading
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The 5 Manners of Valentine’s Day Everyone Should Know
By: Maralee McKee, The Etiquette School of America People seem to have either one of two thoughts about Valentine’s Day. Some see it as the most romantic, glorious day of affection, gifts, and expressions of love of the year. Others view it as a day they wish they could sleep through so they didn’t have to look at even one gushing, bouquet-carrying, heart-shaped-chocolate-eating, drunk-on-love person. I’ve been on both sides of the Valentine’s Day love fest, and on both sides feelings are deep and emotions are high. There’s a problem with the way we celebrate Valentine’s Day. It should never hurt, because it should never be an either-or day. Valentine’s Day should be a day when no one feels left out. That’s because everyone is loved by someone, and that someone (or lots of someones) should express it. The day would be sweeter if there were less stress about gifts, dinners, and flowers. It wouldContinue Reading
By: Maralee McKee, The Etiquette School of America
You’ve probably heard the much quoted joke about the couple that’s been married for decades. The wife asks her husband, “Why don’t you ever tell me you love me?” The husband dryly answers, “I told you on our wedding day. If anything changes, I’ll let you know.”
It’s a classic case of a couple with differing expectations of the need for and the how-to of ways to show their love for one another. In the joke, the example is so obvious that no one can miss it. However, in millions of important close relationships of every type (marriages, dating, best friends, parent and child, adult child and parent, adult siblings…), the same thing happens in ways that aren’t obvious.
In fact, to notice them you have to be looking for them.
And looking for ways to love other people that speak to their heart is exactly what we want to do so that we can be a person who loves others generously and authentically.
Here are five ways to live out your love for those who are closest in a way that will resonate with them. At the same time, it will help you hone your ability to love graciously.
Love is about giving, but in this case, what you give comes back to you in new ways, having been shaped by the person you originally gave it to. Each act of love becomes a one-of-a-kind, beautiful work of art.
Important Grace Note: This post is about showing your love every day. It’s not about celebrating special days like birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine’s Day, and such. For those days, the two of you need to have a discussion and decide your expectations from one another about how each of you wants to celebrate those days. They can be low key or high voltage. There’s no right or wrong answer. You might think the other person’s way of wanting to celebrate is silly, but if it’s important to them, and you love them unselfishly, you’ll make it a point to make it important to you, too. When it comes to Valentine’s Day, anniversaries, and such, if one person cares about celebrating in a certain way and the other one doesn’t really care whether it’s celebrated, then the “I don’t care” should give way to the “I do care” person since it’s something that’s important to that person.
5 Simple, Savvy, Sincere Ways to Show Your Love
1. Give your love in the way the other person receives and best understands it. Dr. Gary Chapman wrote his famous book The Five Love Languages (a great resource for every home), in which he shares that each of us has one of five ways that we best receive love:
~ Words of Affirmation
~ Acts of Service
~ Receiving Gifts
~ Quality Time
~ Physical Touch
Sure, we enjoy all of these things, but we each have a number one way from the list that makes our heart signal to our brain, “I’m understand. I’m loved.”
You might think you can guess the Love Language of you, your spouse, your child, your best friend, or anyone you care deeply for just by reading the list above, but even after several years of marriage, I was wrong about my husband’s. And I’m in about the 99th percentile when it comes to people and perception.
Kent’s Love Language is Words of Affirmation. I thought it was Receiving Gifts because he loves antiques and beautiful things. As it turns out, that’s something he enjoys. Collecting on a small scale is a pastime. But it’s not how he feels loved. I would spend weeks searching for a gift for him. He’d open it, politely say thank you, and that would be it. I would think to myself ,”That ungrateful —” … well, what I thought wasn’t kind, so I probably shouldn’t say it here or anywhere. 🙂
It wasn’t his fault. He liked buying those small things for himself. What he wanted — no, what he needed — from me was Words of Affirmation. Because that’s not my love language, Words of Affirmation never occurred to me.
On his end, since I bought him gifts, he thought my Love Language was Receiving Gifts. Being polite, I would gush over them, making him naturally think he was getting it right. But my Love Language is Quality Time. I don’t need him out buying me gifts. I really love it when he’s with me at home and we’re cozy on the sofa talking, or when I’m with him when he goes shopping or to the post office. It doesn’t matter where he is; I just want to be with him.
Knowing the Love Language of those closest to you is too important to simply guess. So here’s the free test on Dr. Chapman’s site. I went and got it for you! (Those of you whose Love Language is Acts of Service will really appreciate that!) All you need to do is click on this link: The 5 Love Languages Quiz to Discover Your Love Language.
Take the online quiz for yourself first, and then ask others to take it and share their answers with you. When you ask them to take the quiz, let them know that you love them and want to show it in the way that will mean the most to them.
(There’s The 5 Love Languages Book, and there are versions of it to find out your child’s love language, and even that of your coworkers to help teams operate better as a cohesive unit. Who doesn’t want to work where they feel loved?!)
It’s a cornerstone issue because until you can speak the other person’s Love Language, your relationship could be as confusing as when new languages were dispersed at the Tower of Babel (Genesis 11: 1-9).
(Here’s a short, well produced, and enjoyable video from Dr. Chapman that shows the Five Love Languages working, and not working, for a couple during an important weekend.)
2. Spend time making memories. Unless the person’s Love Language is Receiving Gifts, then your time is best spent planning something that will make a memory for the two of you. In this case it doesn’t need to be a whirlwind trip to an exotic location.
A walk in the park, a trip to a local museum or attraction, or anything the two of you will enjoy will be perfect. Make it something where the two of you can talk and where the entertainment is active instead of passive. A movie by itself wouldn’t be a good choice because that’s passive entertainment. Memories are made when activity occurs.
It might be something funny that happens while you’re climbing to the trail head, or even something not so funny at the time, like getting lost on the trail for an hour. In the years to come, that will be the memory — the story you remind each other about — and laugh every time you do.
Almost ten years ago, my best friend and I flew from our homes in Orlando to experience The Mall of America. In the parking lot of the mall, there’s an IKEA. A large IKEA. A massive labyrinth of an IKEA. At the time, Orlando didn’t have one, so neither of us ever had been to one. Ten minutes into the store, and I realized that they didn’t have anything that suited my Southern Living Magazine decorating style. I was ready to find the cafeteria, eat some Swedish meatballs, and leave.
Not Jocelyn — she had found her shopping Nirvana. IKEA spoke her language. Every aisle held wonders. Every accessory. Every kitchen gadget. Every … everything made her happy. SIX hours later (I’m not kidding), we left the store. Then we had to go and ship her MANY purchases back home because there was no way we were going to be able to pack them all for the airplane ride home in two days. My feet hurt. My head hurt. And we had not even gone into the mall yet.
At the time, frustrating. Now, funny and precious.
Make memories with those you love. It’s the gift no one else can give them. They’re truly one of a kind and priceless.
3. Write a letter, or record a video, and title it: If I Weren’t Here, This is What I Would Want You to Know. In it, tell the person everything you love and admire about him (or her). Tell him about how he’s made your life better. Share your favorite memories of him. Share your hopes for his future. Share insight and wisdom you have that you want to pass along to him.
If you’re making one for your child(ren), share what you want them to know on their 10th birthday (double digits!), 16th birthday, their high school graduation day, their 21st birthday, college graduation; speak to their future spouse, send your wishes for their wedding day, share your joy when they’ll find out they’re expecting their first child, give your advice for when their first child is born. Speak to your future grandchild(ren). Share what you wish you had known earlier in life. Share what your hope is for them when they are in their 20s, 30s, and at the age you are on the day you write the letter or record the video.
Give it to someone else to pass along to them after you’re gone. If you’re making it for an adult(s), give it to them now. Why make them wait until you’re gone to know how much they really mean to you? Today is a great day for them to know! And that’s not to mention that they’ll always have it, so it still will be a reminder of you after you’re gone. (You can also make one for a child, tween, or teen that’s for now.)
No matter whom it is for, make it long and rambling, because if you go before them, they will cherish it. Every. Single. Word. And, no matter how long it is, it won’t be long enough.
4. Have a dream that seems too big to reach, and enjoy the journey of planning for it, even if you never make it. There’s a wonderful intimacy (non-sexual) in having a shared dream with someone and planning for it. It’s a way of breathing excitement, hope, and a future into your relationship.
My son Corbett and I want to go to New Zealand. He chose it because that’s where a lot (most/all?) of The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings movies were filmed. Marc and I enjoy watching British TV. We want to tour England and visit the cities and villages where our favorite shows are filmed. Kent and I have a dream home in mind. We have the building plans for it under our bed. We’ve planned every inch of that house! I don’t think we’ll ever build it. It’s big, and unless our children grow up and give us lots of grandchildren, it will be too large for Kent and me once the boys have flown from our nest. But these are our dreams, and we’ll never stop planning them. And one day, if everything aligns just so, some of our dreams will become reality.
When you share a dream with someone, you snuggle in a hope-filled, delightful place with that person. It’s a dwelling place of love.
5. Pray for them every day. If these ways to show love were listed in order, this would be number one. But I decided to save it for the grand finale of the list. Priscilla Shirer, in her book Fervent: A Woman’s Battle Plan for Serious, Specific, and Strategic Prayer (the book other than the Bible that has had the greatest impact on my spiritual life), quotes an acronym for PRAYER:
P: Prayer
R: Releases
A: All
Y: Your
E: Eternal
R: Resources
When you pray for others, you help create miracles for them. Things in their life that have gotten turned upside down get turned right-side up. Bad endings become great beginnings. Problems become testimonies.
Does it happen overnight? Not usually.
Does it happen eventually? Always. In God’s timing.
“Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers…” Ephesians 6:18 (NLT)
Every prayer is an act of love. Perform it daily. It strengthens people. It heals them. It gives them hope. It changes their circumstances. It puts them on the right path or keeps them on it if they’re already there. It’s how we thank God for putting the people we love in our life.
Prayer is in a word: Everything. Without it we cannot love as we were meant to love.
5 Ways or 5 Million Ways to Show Your Love
Love — there are obviously more than five ways to show it. If we took a Twitter poll, and everyone on Twitter magically participated, we’d have more than 5 million answers. Some, actually a lot, of the answers wouldn’t be of much help. That’s because people would tell us how they like to receive love, not how those they’re trying to express their love to best understand and receive it.
The five simple, savvy, sincere ways to show your love we’ve talked about here will work every time. That’s because they all have to do with an other-focused way of giving the best gift we can give to those who love us: a portion of ourselves spoken in their language.
Until next time, do what only you can do: give the world the gift of you…at your authentic best!
XOXO,
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Getting our children to say thank you and actually mean it isn’t easy, but it’s more than possible! Here are the five most important tips for how to teach your child to say thank you consistently and authentically.
By: Maralee McKee, The Etiquette School of America
How do we get our children to say thank you and actually mean it?
Though the classic Christmas song promises that it’s “the most wonderful time of the year,” it doesn’t always feel that way to a mom who has just watched wide-eyed as her child ripped off the paper and bows of four presents from in-laws and others without slowing down to say even one thank you. While we wish our children would express thankfulness as quickly and with as much enthusiasm as they open their gifts, it doesn’t always happen.
And it’s especially hard for them to slow down to express gratitude in the middle of the tinsel-strewn excitement of December.
With that in mind, here are five tips for getting your children to say thank you and even mean it!
5 Tips for Getting Your Child to Say Thank you and Mean It
1. Model gratitude. As moms we have to speak the language of gratitude fluently before we can expect our children to pick up even a phrase or two. Studies show that kids use courtesy words only about 20 percent as much as they hear them. If “please” and “thank you” don’t roll off our tongues at every opportunity, our children won’t be exposed to these words enough to remember to say them nearly as often as they should.
2. Teach the meaning. From teaching corporate seminars and children’s classes to thousands, I’ve realized that most people aren’t clear about the meaning of “thank you.” It doesn’t translate as, “I love this!” or even as, “I like this!” What it really means is, “I notice you did something for me.” Kids often feel as if saying thank you is telling a fib if the gift they just opened or the food set in front of them isn’t something they find appealing. When they understand that saying thank you has nothing to do with how much they like or don’t like what they’re thanking the other person for, they are more apt to say it — and mean it!
3. Talk about the feeling. The needs to feel noticed and appreciated are the two most powerfully felt needs for all of us. Talk to your children about how they feel when something special they did is appreciated, and how that compares to their feelings when no one seems to notice their efforts. Explain that every time they say thank you, they’re passing on the gift of the good feeling of being regarded and appreciated. Let them know that their very words are presents they’re giving the other person.
Bonus tip: Gratitude is most memorable when it’s expressed in a sentence or more. Once a child is no longer a toddler, they can offer more than a simple thanks or thank you. The best thank you sentence(s) have three parts: 1.) the actual thank you, 2.) saying the other person’s name, 3.) naming the gift and saying something nice about it. Here are a couple of examples:
“Wow, Grandma! Thank you for Ninja Alien Planet! It’s the video game I wanted most of all. I’ll have fun playing it with Dad and with my friends!
Or, for a younger child, “The doll is pretty, Aunt Shanna! Thank you! I like her brown eyes.”
4. Eliminate the element of surprise. Nobody likes to enter an unknown situation or find themselves at a loss for words. In the days leading up to your next social event, tell your child(ren) all about the party or event. Give them details about who will be there, how guests will be dressed, what everyone will be eating, and what they can expect in the way of possible conversations or scenarios. Give your children some fallback scripts and actions. Being prepared will help them feel secure. You might say to your young son:
“Corbett, at our party on Friday night, Great Aunt Edith is probably going to hug you and tell you that you’re too skinny. I know you don’t see her that often, so you feel weird about hugging her. And I know that you don’t like it when people say you’re skinny.
“If she hugs you, hug her back, smile, and say, ‘Merry Christmas, Aunt Edith. Thank you for coming to our party.’ If she says you’re too skinny, then nicely say, ‘This is just how I am for now. Don’t worry. I eat lots.’”
“She’s getting older and she loves you a lot. When you pay attention to her, it makes her very happy, and making people happy is a good gift to give.”
5. Practice gratitude towards the giver. Teach your children that the giver is more important than the gift. Role-playing is a great way to do this with younger children. A day or two before the party, get out a gift bag and put something boring inside, like a pair of socks. Use this as a visual aid for your child to practice opening a present that is not as thrilling as hoped. Explain that it isn’t necessary to fib and say they love it. However, they should acknowledge the gift by smiling, making eye contact with the giver, and saying something like, “Thank you for thinking of me, Uncle Rob! I can always use more socks.” In addition, role-play how to slow down and say thank you after opening each gift. Teaching your child to thank the giver before going on to the next gift prevents the “open and disregard” routine that happens when children tear open packages without showing thought toward the gift or the giver.
Expressing Gratitude as Children Grows Truly Content Grownups
As parents, it’s our honor and responsibility to teach our children everything they’ll need to thrive on their own as amazing adults!
Expressing gratitude is a vital life skill. The best part is that the overflow of gratitude is joy. The more they express gratitude, the happier they, you, and those around them will be.
For more on this check out my book about how to raise kids you’re happy to live with! It earned the Mom’s Choice Gold Award for Excellence in Parenting Books.
The parties and presents of Christmas are a great opportunity for your children to learn how to bring joy to others by saying thank you.
Blessings galore,
Often times all eyes are on us when we open our Christmas gifts, and it can be nerve-wracking! Here you’ll find the 5 manners of opening gifts and the number one don’t. Put these skills into practice, and you’ll always know the perfect thing to say no matter what you find in the bag or box!
By: Maralee McKee, The Etiquette School of America
Before you know it, there will be Christmas presents lovingly handed to you while the anxious eyes of the gift givers, with their fingers crossed, will watch to see whether you’ll like what you’ll find.
Sometimes you’ll take off the lid of the box, pull back the tissue paper, and gasp in awe.
Sometimes you’ll take off the lid of the box, pull back the tissue paper, and do your best to hold in your gasp of, “What in the world?”
I’ve been in both situations. I’ve felt your joy, and I’ve felt your disappointment.
Yes, yes, we all know, it’s the thought that counts and not the gift.
But that’s only half the story.
We’re not wrong to feel disappointment if someone close to us gives us something that isn’t “us” at all.
You see, every gift has two parts: The first part is the gift itself. The second part is the emotion it stirs within us.
One of our greatest needs is to feel that others “get” us — to know that we’re “known.” And when people we love (spouse, close blood relative, or best friend) give us a gift that isn’t anything we’d ever desire, we’re left thinking, “Do they really know me at all? Why didn’t they care enough to search long enough until they found something that’s ‘me’?”
Was this gift a best effort that simply ended in a wrong choice? Or was it a slight of “This will do. I’m busy.”? These are the questions that will circle a path from our minds to our hearts.
Whether you open your gift Christmas morning with a gasp of awe, an internal “aw shucks,” or something in between, here’s your guide to knowing what to say and do.
The Five Manners of Opening Christmas Gifts
Many families have a tradition about who hands out the gifts and in which order they’re opened. The tradition you have is the right one for you. The following applies to opening gifts in general and won’t impede any family tradition you may have. 🙂
1. Notify the giver when the gift arrives. Even if you place the gifts under the tree and don’t plan on opening them until Christmas morning, when you receive gifts in the mail, make sure to call, text, or email the givers to let them know they arrived safely. Also let them know that it was kind of them to think of you, and that you look forward to opening their gift! People worry whether their gifts arrive safely. Calling puts their minds at rest. Plus, it shows that you appreciate them for thinking of you with a gift, even though you don’t yet know what it is. (This puts into action the “It’s the thought that counts” principle of gift giving and receiving.)
Grace Note: It’s nice, if it can be arranged, to Skype, FaceTime, take some smartphone video or photos, or somehow let the other person(s) join you in opening the gift even if they’re not with you in person. It’s a gracious use of our technology. It doesn’t matter that you’re in your pj’s, your hair is a mess, and you don’t have any makeup on. No one should care. It’s Christmas morning with someone you love. Go with it! If none of this is possible, make sure to call or contact the givers as soon as possible and let them know you appreciate their gift.
2. Read the card first. You don’t have to read out loud the personal sentiment written on the gift tag, or the words on a Christmas note or card attached to the gift. But do read the card first, announce whom the gift is from, and thank the giver right before or as you start opening the present. “This gift is from Aunt Valerie. Thank you Auntie!” (Again, we’re putting the “It’s the thought that counts” principle of gift giving and receiving into action, and it’s another way to show appreciation.)
3. Have children unwrap all their gifts before they start playing with a particular one. Children are easily distracted, and once they start playing with one gift, it makes it hard for them to refocus on slowing down, getting back to opening their other gifts, and thanking the givers. You can read more about this in the post I wrote about how to get our children to say thank you and actually mean it when they open gifts.
4. Don’t ask recipients whether they liked the gifts you gave them — at least not today. You worked hard thinking of, making, or buying what you thought was the perfect gift for Uncle Brad, and yet when he opened it, his face didn’t show the level of pleasure you were hoping for. He said thank you, but that’s about all, and you don’t know whether your gift is a dud or he just isn’t showing a lot of emotion.
Why not come right out and ask him? Because if he didn’t like the gift, he’s being pressed into saying he did so he won’t hurt your feelings. If Brad did like it, he’ll go on about your gift more than is normal for him in order for you to feel OK. When he opens gifts from others and doesn’t say as much, those people are now going to be left wondering whether Brad liked their gift, because he’s not saying much. It starts a cycle that doesn’t end.
If we shouldn’t ask, how are we ever going to know that we’re picking out gifts people like? Prior to the next time you make or purchase a gift for the person, say something along the lines of, “Caroline, your birthday is coming up, and I want to get you something that you’ll really enjoy. I’m not sure whether my Christmas gift hit the mark. Is there something special you’d like for your birthday?” Now that time has passed since Christmas, emotions are lessened and you’ll get a more realistic glimpse into how your gift was received.
If your gift didn’t thrill her, she might say something like, “I don’t wear a lot of scarves, but you were kind to think of me. For my birthday, since summer is coming, I’d love a new white purse — one with a long strap so I can wear it cross-body.”
If she did like your gift and used it, she might say something like, “I wore both those scarves so many times last winter! They’re lovely! For my birthday, surprise me! Although if it will help you, I am on the lookout for a new white purse that has a strap long enough that I can wear it cross-body.”
5. Don’t tell people you don’t like their gift, and don’t ask where they bought it. “What?” you say! “But Maralee, I should be candid. Plus, I’m taking the present back to the store to get something I’ll actually use. That’s both honest and thrifty. Those are good things. And besides, she’s my sister; she won’t mind. It’s all very practical.”
You’re right, you’re being practical. And practical is good — except for sometimes. This is one of those times.
When it comes to gifts, there’s a fine line between practical and problematic.
If Sister Sue didn’t put thought into your gift, then you’re right, she probably won’t assign negative thoughts to your taking it back to the store. However, if she did put thought into your gift, it ties into what we talked about in the opening, the emotional part of every gift that goes along with the practical.
Your wanting to return her gift means she made the wrong choice. She might smile and tell you it’s fine, but it almost always stings.
And next time she goes to buy you a gift, it’s going to be harder on her to pick one out because she’s going to second-guess everything she considers buying for you — even if she is your sister, spouse, mom, or best friend. (Note: People understand needing to exchange a gift of clothing for a different size or fit.)
And if it’s really, truly fine with you that someone tells you they want to return your gift, you’re great. But you’re also in the minority, a tiny minority. Keep in mind that others, even family members, probably aren’t in that minority.
Concerning where your gifts were bought: the reason recipients don’t ask that (whether they’re just curious or so they can return a gift without telling) is because asking that amounts to asking how much the giver paid for it. If it came from a garage sale, a thrift shop, or is being regifted to you, the giver might be embarrassed. (Not that there is anything wrong with buying things at these places; great gifts can be found at all of them.) The giver just might not want to tell you about finding the beautiful necklace you love at the dollar store while friends or other family members are in the room.
Grace note: If you buy a gift and the store offers gift receipts (receipts that show where items were bought and allow them to be returned but don’t show how much you paid), place the gift receipt in the box with the gift. If you receive a gift you’re not going to use but don’t know how to go about returning it, it’s fine to regift it (that’s a post for another day), send it to a consignment shop, sell it at your next garage sale, or better yet, donate it to a great charity.
The Number One Gift-Giving Don’t
Don’t put a gift in a box from a store where it wasn’t bought. Putting your bargain find in a Sak’s Fifth Avenue box (or a similar store) will be very embarrassing for a recipient who tries to return it to the store! Also, it’s a purposeful misrepresentation of your gift. Plain gift boxes are sold (usually in packs of three) near the cards and gift wrap in almost every store, or use a Christmas gift bag instead of a box.
Most Importantly:
It’s Christmas! I hope yours is merry and bright, and I pray that what’s around the tree (the people you love and the memories of those who are no longer with you) brings you more joy than anything under the tree.
May you feel Christmas to the core of your soul! May you walk in it, breathe it in, and taste it on your tongue!
May your children who can’t wait…one…more…minute for Christmas delight you!
May you find joy in the midst of any mayhem! May you not care about scattered toys, messy kitchens, or unmade beds, and instead laugh, reminisce, tell stories, read, drink hot chocolate, and be amazed by the simple beauty of a strand of lights on a tree. May all five of your senses sing a choir of gladness for the fact that Christ chose to come to Earth for you and for me.
God sent us a baby born in a stable to save an unstable world!
Merry, Merry Christmas!
XOXO,
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By: Maralee McKee, The Etiquette School of America
Here are ten manners for hosts and guests on Christmas Day. When put into practice, if you’re having a great Christmas, they’ll help you insure that others do, too! And if you’re disappointed enough that you’re about to let your inner Scrooge take over, they’ll pull you back from the edge!
The Top 10 Manners for Hosts and Guests on Christmas Day
Let’s first look at the five manners that apply the most to hosts, because when you agree to have the Christmas festivities at your home, you’re doing more than saying, “Come on over and join our Christmas.” This is your guests’ Christmas, too. You’re committing to putting in the effort to find out what’s going to make their Christmas memorable and doing your best to make it happen. And no, you don’t need to put aside all your Christmas traditions for your guests. You add some of their traditions to yours and come up with a new Christmas melody for the day!
Manners For the Host and Hostess With the Mostest
1. Ask and tell when you invite. When you invite someone for Christmas (in-laws, other family members, or friends), do so in person or by phone, so you can learn about their Christmas traditions and share about your own. Remember, just because they’re coming to your house doesn’t mean it’s your way or the highway.
Here’s how a conversation might go between a hostess and her guest, Carla, who is coming with her husband, their three kids ages five to eight, and their new baby. I purposely gave you different scenarios of things you might want to mention. Not all will apply, but the scripting might help you word things that apply to you that aren’t included below. (The words in italics are those of the hostess.)
A. “…the children will be excited to open their gifts, so I thought I’d have bagels and doughnuts out while we open the presents. Then we can eat the breakfast casserole and other things around 8:30 AM after they’ve had time to play a little. (Carla would reply with her thoughts.)
B. I love how you said that you hand out all the gifts first, and then go around the room with everyone opening one at a time. We’ve not done that before; it sounds great to me! (Carla and the hostess would talk about opening gifts.)
C. Since you mentioned the other day that the baby takes her longest nap at around 1 PM, what if we eat lunch then? (The hostess and Carla discuss lunch.)
D. One thing we’ve always done is have everyone tell the best thing that has happened to them this year at the table. If that’s good with you, we’ll do it. (Here, the hostess has shared one of the traditions that’s important to her, after having incorporated Carla’s gift-opening tradition into the day.)
E. Also, I know my parents get tired easily. While they’re reading and resting after lunch, I’m going to plan some fun, quiet things to do with the kids. Do they like games or crafts better? (The hostess is alerting Carla that her parents are going to need some down time, but she hasn’t said, “So keep your kids quiet.” Instead, she’s thinking ahead as to how to keep them happily occupied. So Carla now knows to help out during this time to keep them involved in the fun, quiet activities the hostess is going to provide.)
F. Also, I’m going to have some movies ready. What’s your favorite Christmas movie? And is there a favorite movie that your children like that you want to bring? Or is there something they haven’t seen that I can stream for them?” (Here, the hostess is planning something entertaining for everyone that goes beyond conversation, and she’s getting her guest’s input. As you’ll see below, conversation will be provided for, since it’s one of the best parts of Christmas, but it’s nice to have something on hand that will distract Uncle Phil in the conversation when he’s about to start on his tirade about — well — whatever his tirade de jour is.)
2. The host(ess) sets the tone in the home. If the hostess isn’t happy, no one is happy. This is Christmas. Put effort into the day: plan, organize, decorate, use your best china or your prettiest paper plates.
Plan in depth.
And have a backup plan.
And if nothing goes according to plan, don’t sweat it.
Tension is tangible.
Your guests will feel it, and everyone is going to be uncomfortable. If you’re not willing to laugh about it, and make sandwiches as a substitute for your entree if your fancy rib roast burns or your soufflé falls, don’t make those items.
Forget perfection. Perfection isn’t possible. It’s an illusion. A mirage. A lie. It’s always going to taunt you from about 10 inches from your grasp. ALWAYS.
Instead of perfection, focus on graciousness.
People won’t remember your menu in six months. They won’t remember what color scheme your table was, what place-card holders you used, or what you wore.
They will never forget how you made them feel. They’ll remember the feel of your home.
If you’re going to be miserable if someone (child or adult) breaks one of your good plates, don’t use them. Sure, you’re going to be upset if little Tyler broke the plate because he was trying to spin it like a toy top, but you can’t let it ruin your or your guests’ Christmas.
There are risks associated with being a host, and one of them is that things might get broken. Rise above the shards!
Share the best of yourself.
3. It’s okay to ask for some help. These are your guests, and while they’re not your kitchen staff or maid service, most people like to lend a hand. They’re going to feel bad watching you work nonstop, so plan ahead and do all you can beforehand to minimize your Christmas Day duties.
This is your Christmas, too.
Ask for help with anything the moment you feel tension coming on: entertaining the children, picking up the Christmas wrapping paper from the floor, sorting presents, stirring gravy, pouring drinks, clearing the table. Ask and you shall receive, especially on Christmas!
4. During the main meal, if there’s more than one table, the host and hostess should sit at separate tables. No one wants to feel like they’re at the adult version of the kids’ table. That’s why it’s nice if the host and hostess sit at different tables when there’s more than one adult table.
If there are more than two adult tables, the host and hostess excuse themselves about halfway through the entree and go and check on the other guests for a few minutes.
It’s nice if during dessert you trade seats with someone and eat at a different table. Arrange this before the meal, so the host and/or hostess can also sit with those guests. That way, everyone probably has had a chance to sit at a table with the host or hostess. (The children are going to finish a lot faster than the grown-ups. Have coloring pages available at their table or games or crafts planned for them to do while the adults finish eating.)
5. Have a gift for everyone who is attending. Since presents will be opened, everyone needs something to unwrap. (Before all eyes are on you and you open your gift, this post, one of the most popular on the blog, shares the 7 Manners of Opening Every Gift.)
Even for the cousins’ new boyfriends and girlfriends, the host(ess) should give each of them a small gift, even though from experience you know they go through relationships so fast that you’ll probably never see these friends again.
Grace Note: Spread the Christmas festivities out through your house so that there are different areas where guests can go to do the things you’ve preplanned, or they can relax and do nothing at all.
There might be a crafts-and-games area for the kids in one of the bedrooms along with a TV and movie to watch later. (Plan in advance who will help the children.)
There might be a movie or game on the family-room TV. And in the living room, you might want to add extra chairs from the dining room after lunch or dinner for those who want to relax, listen to Christmas music, and talk. In each room, have enough coasters for everyone, and a plate of sweet or savory snacks for munching.
There’s No Place Like Home on Christmas
I love to travel, but on Christmas Day there’s no place I want to be but in my own home with my husband and children opening gifts under our tree, and eating our traditional menu off our own Christmas plates.
Both Kent and I come from small families, so every Christmas has been a quiet gathering. I wonder how I’ll feel about splitting my time at different homes when my boys grow up, get married, and — yikes, say it’s not possible — perhaps move from our hometown of Orlando (the fifth generation born and raised).
You see, I like being the Captain of the good ship Christmas Day. I’m going to have to put in effort to practice what I preach when it comes to being a great Christmas guest, because it’s not going to come naturally.
When we accept an invitation to join someone on Christmas Day, we lay down our right to be Captain of the ship. Instead, we’re an oarsman. There’s an unspoken social contract that says we’ll help make Christmas lovely for the other guests by being the best version of ourselves and by being alert to any pressure points of the host, hostess, or the other guests, and graciously stepping in to help relieve them before they feel overwhelmed.
How can we possibly do that?
Here are five of the best ways!
Manners for The Guest Everyone Loves to Invite Back
1. Ask what you can bring, but don’t limit it to food. What the hostess might need more than food is your four folding chairs, for everyone to bring a bathing suit and towel (Can you tell I’m a Florida native?!), some board games, or an extra frying pan, or another kitchen item. Let her know you’re happy to bring anything she needs.
2. Be careful about sharing how Christmas is at your house. If the conversation turns to favorite Christmas memories or family traditions, share yours, of course. However, if in the middle of the activity you say, “We’re just the opposite. We open our gifts after our Christmas morning service at church, not before,” your innocent sharing could be interperted by the hostess as a criticism of how she’s planned the day.
People are more sensitive than most of us think they are. It’s kind of like when others near you are whispering. Even though you don’t know the people, you feel like they’re whispering about you. That same principle applies here — just in a slightly different form.
3. If you know/think you aren’t going to be able to take a full day, set your departure time with the hostess when you set your arrival time. You know your limits, you know your spouse’s limits, you know your children’s limits. If everyone was expecting you to stay all day and into the evening and you leave at 3 PM, it’s going to send up the distress flag. Instead, if you think that five hours is all so-and-so is going to be able to take, say something to the hostess when you accept her invitation. “We’ll be there at 8 AM sharp, Gwen. However, we’re driving to my mom’s house the next morning, and I’m going to have some cooking and packing to do. We will probably leave about 4:00 PM.” (It’s considered eating-and-running for you to stay less than one hour after the meal is finished.)
If you’re all having a great time and end up staying longer, that’s OK! But, this way, you can leave, and no one’s feelings will be hurt.
4. Be on the lookout for pressure points, and jump in to help at the first sign. If Grandpa (even though he’s not your grandpa) looks sleepy, tell him it’s OK to rest and alert the hostess. If the kids start to get rowdy, and they’re not yours, go over and play with them. If the hostess is going crazy in the kitchen, offer specific help: “Rebecca, I see you’re peeling potatoes. Did you know that I’m a Grand Champion potato peeler? Can I practice my skills?”
Anytime you can inject a little humor into the situation, you earn another jewel in your Heavenly crown! If you overhear Larry and Ty getting heated talking about religion, politics, or anything else, go over and even though you’re a new guest and don’t really know them, start a conversation, “I’m without anyone to talk to at the moment. May I join you? I was wondering…?” That’s worth two jewels in your crown!
If the party seems to be lagging, it’s a great time to take out your smartphone and start taking photos. It gets everyone smiling faster than anything!
5. Bring a gift and goodies to the host family. You don’t need to bring a gift for people outside the immediate host family whom you don’t know. You do need to bring a gift for the host, hostess, and their children. It can be something for the whole family, or one thing for the adults and one for their children (if the children are close in age), or individual gifts for each. In addition to the gift, bring along a food goodie, too. It can be handmade or store-bought: cookies, chocolates, nuts, cake, and such. Make sure it’s something their whole family will enjoy. And as you hand it to the hostess, let her know that she doesn’t need to serve it today. For more about what to give a hostess, check out How to Choose and Give the Perfect Hostess Gift.
Grace Note: This is for sure one of the times when a handwritten thank you note delivered via snail mail is in order. It’s nice to call the next day to thank the hostess for inviting you. Also sending a handwritten thank you card is a gracious gesture. You don’t need to send one to relatives or to friends who are as close as relatives. However, you certainly can, if you want. And I bet the hosts, would appreciate it!
Make sure to send your note as soon after Christmas day as possible. The next day is best. Why the next day?
The longer you delay, the more it gets pushed down on your to-do list, and either it will never get written, or it will come long enough after Christmas that it seems like an afterthought instead of an authentic expression of your gratitude. You can find out more about Christmas thank you notes in this post.
Handling Things Well
Christmas comes but once a year, and you can be sure you can manage anything the people you share the day with bring your way by keeping these ten manners at the top of your mind.
Manners aren’t fancy or limiting. They’re from the ancient Latin word for “hand.” They show us how best to handle ourselves, and there’s no better time to handle ourselves well than at Christmas. In fact, as Oscar Wilde said, “The only real gift is a portion of oneself.”
What’s Next?
Keep doing what only you can do, bless the world by being authentically you at your best!
Wishing you a healthy and joyful Chrismas,
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